Lisa L'Actrice

I caved

2006-05-21T21:03:00.000-04:00

Click here to be teleported

i've disapeared into my intensive

2006-05-11T20:57:00.000-04:00

I have. Seriously. And my mom is down. So expect nothing for the moment.

Tears, Fears and Readings

2006-05-08T21:18:00.000-04:00

Since have realized that one has readers and that readers tend to enjoy posts that are more frequent then leap years, I have have decided to attempt to write something at least every second day. So for a crazy example.... the next post after this one will be latest wedsday night. Although I forewarn, spelling and grammer will still be an issue. I've always had trouble following guidelines. Strunk and White be damned.

So since I've never been great keeping my personal life outside of postage.... I'll start there. I cried tonight. I really cried. And over the stupidest things. I started to cry watching an emotional episode of Grey's Anatomy from Sunday and then yes... I kid you not... General Hospital scenes. I think the sobbing bit is connected to the fact that I miss my mom. See both scenes that made me weep are pretty much about mothers and daughters. In GA, a mother lost her pregnant 22 year old daughter, even though the baby did survive.... and in GH a mother was reunited with a daughter she thought was dead...oh and the daughter is on her death bed. Neither my mother, nor I, are on the critical list- but I think the fact that I haven't seen her for 2 months is taking it's toll. I keep telling myself I'll see her this week. I will. I'll see her. She has to come down to help me arrange the getting my new apt- Oh yeah I found one near school. I'm really pleased about that. Now all I have to do is plan my Europe trip... wait I mean book. And I'd like to be a big girl right now and do it by myself.... but lately I don't think I have the stamina. I can't seem to focus completely with these antibiotics. I am eating right. I can't take my iron pills until I am done my meds. Oi with the poodles. Also my voice seems to be a little... well weak. I have a bit of a sore throat. Which makes me nervous.

Did I mention I'm doing a vocal / character intensive this week and next.... yeah. I'm drinking alot of tea. And the moment it feels worse I'm going to my doctor. Honestly I can't be getting more sick. I really am not pro this.

On the bright and shiny did start intensive today. It was great to see the whole cast together and reading through the play in our take on british accents. Also spending time as a group was nice. I like watching initial group dynamics, people who've worked together before or friends who are more clustered. And then there are the floaters who seem to fit in with all. It's nice to see, and hell be a part of. It's been to long since I've been part of any production. And even longer since I was part of a play. Oh and did I mention again that I'm acting. Not stage managing. As much as I know I'm good at stage managing, and that it's easy for me..... I can't let go of acting. It feels as important as breathing sometimes. It's the thing I know I can't give up on... because that would be like giving up on ambition or a future. I mean I get family, loved ones, hell kids one day are what matters at the end of the day.... but everyone needs this fire... this dream pushing them to achieve their goals.

We also read through the play again, well half of it, sans acccents and scene by scene explaining sayings, slang, and meaning. Very useful. I did find it pretty hard to speak sometimes today... but hopefully it's a side effect to the large mound of antibiotics.

Wow my mention of drugs could be a drinking game.

Alright girls, you know who you are, want to hear an amusing story....last night at 1am... I was struck with alot of energy. Just as I was going in to bed to sleep. I was with Bryan. He on the other hand was exhausted. So there I am going a mile a minute about nonsense... think Lorelai in Gilmore Girls going on about anvils and where that had gone, in fact almost the same rant... because frankly it got in my head and I seriously begin to wonder where all the anvils had gone. Bryan gave me an actual logical answer, that perhaps they were in small american towns in historical places.... yet I still kept going on about nonsense... so much that I think I rambled into a wide range of stuff... about 1:30am I realized Bryan was completely asleep and dead the world. Yes... my name is Lisa and I'm a talk-a-holic. I think it's time to admit I have a problem.

So hopefully that was enough personal stuff to get the ball rolling again. Maybe I'll chase this post with something a little more easier to follow.... maybe a column-ish thing on apt hunting and finding the right place...

Maybe it's the antibiotics....

2006-05-05T12:44:00.000-04:00

First off Heather, no more jokes about the antibiotics... as I am really on them.... and it's fucking me up. So thanks.

I'm in a ranty, pissy mood. Mostly because I'm light headed and trying to balance finding a place to live with planning and booking a trip. All of which are being crammed in next week with my intensive. So somehow.... I have to before class which starts at 10... get to Travel Cuts to book my trip next week at 9am.... so I have to somehow.... get there for before 9am.. lets say 8:30 ish.... and then from there book as quick as possible and pray there is a shuttle running for me to get to Loy for 10am.

Then after my intensive post 6pm I have to check out apts.

And why does this piss me off... I have no damn energy. I feel like passing out at the moment which is not helping the situation. The goddamn antibiotics.... that thank goodness are taking away the fever are making me zombie-esque.

So this is why it's making me angry when there are jokes made about it.... because if it was your body that was run down since the 23rd of July ... and will probably be rundown for the rest of the antibiotics... which is lets see... about 6 more days... you'd be pretty damn pissed to. Right now all I feel like doing to crying because of frustration. I feel like saying fuck it and grabbing the next appartment I see even if the area sucks or the the rent is shit. I can't take it. I can't do all this alone. I wish my mom was down.... because I think her driving me to places to check out would be less stressful. I cease to give a shit. Maybe I should just give up on europe. I don't want to. But fuck. I don't know what to do. I want to cry. Fuck fuck fuck. I am uber pissed. Okay. Alright. Let me think. I'm going to check out some other tours. As my mother and grandmother won't let me go otherwise.. not that I can afford it. I hate this. It's turning into a circus.

I mean I'm happy with school, I'm happy with Bryan (you know this... since you are one of the few who read this), I'm happy with friends, Vero and Heather... note to you: Even if I'm irratable and pissy right now, it's the drugged feeling combined with the stress, and not either of you.

I'm just really fucking stressed. I don't even think I can call apts right now as I'm feeling pretty dazed.

I just want to lie down... good thing I'm downtown at the Hall building- perfect place for a nap.... bugger.

lazy crazy days

2006-05-03T09:34:00.000-04:00

I got up this morning feeling better, although I haven't taken my temperature.... it depresses me. I slept until about 9am. I watched Gilmore Girls this morning, the episode I was too tired last night to keep my eyes open for. And now I'm looking through apt listings. I know super duper exciting.

Well it's just one of those lazy crazy days. Off to make some breakfast.

G'Night Dessie G'Mornin' Jules

2006-04-21T16:51:00.000-04:00

Even though I have to say Heather's review was stellar. I have to boast that we got reviewed in the Gazette. And a write up in The Mirror this week.

Either way I'm pretty proud of the production for getting good buzz... nothing like a full house to get the actors doing their ultimate best.

femme fatale

2006-04-21T16:40:00.000-04:00

This is a picture that Cara took of me for her art direction project. Look I'm all perty. It's cool. I'm just waiting for Cara to meet me before the show so that I can go for pizza. I'm mucho hungry. I have good news other then being a Gut Girl I'm checking out possibly nice well priced apts on weds. I'm going to call more places on monday to line a bunch up to check out. I'm also looking forward to Vero coming down, along with an evening of booze and first wives club with Heather and Vero. I know you both read this. But I just wanted to put it out there how much I am looking foread to spending time.... real time with you too.

Vero I assure you I will clean up the apt. I have to start going through it anyway to pack some books and movies right away... and maybe purge a bit of my collection.

Heather I assure you my dishes will be done.

If anyone wishes to call me tonight I should be home at midnight. Like Cinderella I must be home by the strike of 12.

I wonder if Bryan will ever blog again? Just a random thought....

I know I'm refering to all who read this- but you know... git over it.

whatever

2006-04-20T14:50:00.000-04:00

Not sure why,but am in a massively shitty mood. I think it's just being in the middle of the show and not being sure about work or where I'll be living as of july. You know... bugger. I have to figure all this out and in the mean time... for the next 40 minutes clean the apt in a crazy ass way. I need to have some organization. It's a mess. I'm a mess. Whatever. I'll deal - since it's what I do.

I love the shirt Heather btw...

Maybe wearing all this black for behind the scenes stuff is starting to effect my mood... I'm thinking of taking my Babby to church next sunday for the long 2 hours mass at Russian church. She's lonely. I miss her... makes sense right. Plus I went to Catholic Mass last Sunday for Bryan- why not make it a church year.

Whatever. Back to cleaning. Hopefully putting on the Beatles will help. Fucking Beatles.

2006-04-14T12:01:00.000-04:00

heather, vero... you have abandoned me...

to wordpress....

shame...

also vero i have news so I'm going to call you before I blog about it.

nerves

2006-04-11T23:02:00.000-04:00

So auditions for school plays... dept. shows as they are called... tommorrow. When am I going to be a pro at this. I feel like my stomach is in my throat. Something entirely to visceral about that. It doesn't help that I think I have maybe 6 or 7 hours of sleep from monday night and sunday night combined... ahhh.

I know my non-accent monologue like that.

I know I know it.

But the british one. It's not because it's british... or even the subject matter. It's another dead baby one.. this time from a murderer's point of view.

I just really don't want to fuck this up.

Alright. Just breathe right. Just breathe.

So the plan for tommorrow... because plans calm the stomach...

9:50 Gut Girls audition in TJ 206
11:20 Queens audition in TJ 110
2 or 1:50... gotta find that post it... for Alice in Wonderland in the Caz

Rehersal 5-8 or 9

9:15... train with Bryan

See plans... okay. Breathe... it's just another day. Treat the audition pieces as if they were monologues I was exploring in class. But do what Harry said... be brillent... bring everything you've got.

Breathe.

Come See the SHOW...

2006-04-08T10:29:00.000-04:00

Alright so I may have disapeared off the face of the planet recently... but other then school and auditions.... this is why:

So if you can come see it. It's actually still funny even though I've seen most scenes about a 100 times... I'm stage managing... you must come... yup.

2006-04-06T16:29:00.000-04:00

so I finished everything for THEA 211... which is good.

So tonight/tommorrow morning I have to finish FFAR 250 up. Which means cranking out my 12 page paper. Which was going to be a big huge huge nightmare because my main proposed sources were missing from the library. But now one has been found.

So the plan is go downtown after rehersal. Go to Webster, pick up the book, catch the 8:30 bus home. Take a dinner break and get a working. And then after all the work cited and main paragraphs are done. I'm going to bed, then going to get up around 6ish and crank the paper out. I think I can do it as long as I have my references organized enough. I mean yes.... granted I'll want to curl up and die afterwards but it'll be worth it...right? So that's the plan.

The plan is also not to be distracted tonight and go see Cara's play... I want to but fuck I'm swamped.

Alright.... check in later.

ready steady go

2006-04-05T18:51:00.000-04:00

I think I'm going to have a breakdown...

I feel it coming on. The stress is rising. I think I should be fine once I get home and take a shower... I think that'll help destress me....

Gah... okay. So what's pissing me off at the moment....let's see... everything... i think it's just lack of sleep combined with end of semester. I also snapped at Cara for no reason. I mean what the hell. Okay just breath right.... just breath.

Alright. So I'm putting lines out of my head and today list until friday night. That's a relief.

So this is my to-do for tonight and tommorrow morning:

- finish quiz for thea 211 (will take about 30 minutes to 45)
- bio on caryl churchill (done just need to revise and add to slightly) and how Top Girls fits into her career.
- organize research for dramatugue (time, place, socio-economic...blah...blah)

Thursday afternoon:
- extra credit to catch up from when I was sick... paper... 2 pages...more like 4....
- design work
- rehersal? not sure.
-leave early and work on paper for FFAR

Friday morning
-FFAR paper due at 3:45...although try to finish it in morning...
-friday night work...
-design work

Sat morning:
-go in early to help Cara with her design project... hopefully use as a way for her to me a favor for weds...
Sat night:
-work
-design

Sunday morning:
-design
Sunday afternoon:
-audition
Sunday night:
-work
-design....

ahhhhh

Alright... breath... breath..... can do this. Alright. So at least I'm having the panic attack on my blog.... and not in public place or too anyone I love. Okay... breath....So hopefully any work that has to be done can be done before monday... so I can just deal with rehersals...bloody rehersals... and school auditions..

I'm not worried about the outcomes for tper... or design once i'm done... there is the party during... it's just the next couple of days which may kill me... I can't seem to feel calm or rested today. I'm looking forward to tonight... hopefully I'll get over this angsty i hate the world feeling. I think a shower will help.

Alright... ignore this crazy rant.... I have faith in the fact that I can get stuff done... I figure tonight... get the quiz over with and then relax and enjoy spending time with Bryan...

Which is odd to put in the blog because - well readers...

Alright... perhaps ignore this whole post ... because I think it was really a way of getting out my stress and not freaking out... outwardly.

Breath.

la la la la

2006-03-31T23:29:00.000-05:00

I know... original title.

Oh well. I thought I'd check in with the blog. I'm pretty wiped out at the moment. Raz might come over... but you know her... she might not. But it's all good. I was going to try to do more homework tonight, but mostly I'm just been relaxing... catching up on General Hospital (just a couple of storylines...) and did my nails. So stupid relaxing stuff... but it's still my thing. I think I might pick up a book that's not school related...

Just in the calm in the middle of the storm, tornado...

happy

2006-03-26T10:38:00.000-05:00

"It's Platonic Nancy,
You won't get in her Pants- See!
It's Platonic Nancy,
she's the friend with no-benefits.
she's socially uptight
won't get you're name right.
It's Platonic Nancy!"

Okay the above was for Veronica. I know I'm evil. And remember Vero it's in a sing-a-song almost broadway voice.

I feel so creative... although evil for mocking a girl I don't even know... but seriously Vero I hope it makes you smile.

What else.... hmmm.... I've gotten most of this scedualing crap done. I just have to call people regarding the meetings.. so at 1ish. So not to wake up the delicate students....

I think I'm going to audition for all the shows for next year even the musical, despite not being the best singer ever. It can't hurt. Just try my personal best. And for sure going to audition for Phatrick's show (okay the ph... thing is because Harry messes with our names in class... like I'm Lease).

Been listening to Queen all morning. Good stuff.

So I'm real happy. Which is no big surprise. And I have these beautiful flowers on my kitchen table. Sigh. Going to be working hard today and tonight on work. I think it can be done. I have faith in my ability to get to work in crunch period.

It's been a great couple of weeks. Seriously. I think it's all good for the next couple of weeks too. So says my intuition. Back to work...

good mornin' good mornin'

2006-03-23T09:38:00.000-05:00

I am well rested and not grumpy! Awesome. I'm just taking a quick break from my homework. I'm working on a character thing for performance class. I got sidetracked trying to figure out what to put down as my eye color on my resume.... I mean I know it in french... pers ... inbetween blue and green (and grey but - m'eh). I think it's Sea-Green... but is that a valid entry? Or too Crayola? Also trying to figure out if my headshot still looks enough like me that I don't have to re-do it yet.

So I'm going back to homework. Miss you all.

Heather: Think about breakfast as an option this weekend.

Vero: Sorry about being too exhausted to converse last night. Remember I will call you when I get home... which is either 10 or 11...

Bryan: You are soooo cheesy. But what can I say... I'm smitten. Not to mention I'm incredibly cheesy myself. I think I'm chedder... see cheesy.

post 150

2006-03-22T15:27:00.000-05:00

i think theatre history is trying to suck out my soul...

other then that I'm good.

Antonin Artaud is a messed up man... tortured, creative, and crazy.

trying to think positively. fresh air would be nice.

2006-03-19T13:51:00.000-05:00

just checking in. in the middle of homework mess. am surrounded by enemy forces... okay that sounds childish... but hey sometimes school is just that. I love school, I really do. I love acting, I love digging through scripts for hidden secrets, i'm just slightly overwealmed. But it's that magical time of the year again. just need to finish off my massive to - do list and then hang it on my wall so I can cross things off. And feel like I'm really accomplishing a lot. Even when sometimes I'm not.

so just checking in.

oh and for any Actor's Studio fans it's starting new again on Bravo on April 2nd.

it's just a ride, no need to run, no need to hide.

2006-03-18T00:54:00.001-05:00

The title is from the Jem song (no not the hollagram one...) called just a ride...

"When it comes to relationships,learn to budge just a wee bit, and you just might make some forward progress. Learn to budge a lot, and you'll take a quantum leap"

I just read my horoscope for the 17th... interesting, especially in retrospect. And with those words I feel an onslot of phone calls this weekend. Just to to say... had a really great night. Bryan made dinner... lemon chicken, some dipping sauce for bread with I'm sure some vinegar of sorts... (my cooking memory sucks), eggplant- don't scoff. I ate it and enjoyed it all. So HA. And for the what else, going to try to fry it up myself tommorrow... the left over eggplant... key word try... no clue if it'll taste good but maybe I'll toss some Soya on it and see how a piece turns out. My method of cooking...

Had an awesome night... totally better then the whole passport office today. I know it's a federal building and all... but Oh My... I felt like I wasn't in Montreal anymore toto. It was like some how some way Ontario was in that building... I felt like I was visiting parlament again. It sucked about 3 hours of my day up. oi.

going to sleep now.

spacious 1 1/2.... cheap d/t apt.

2006-03-16T11:26:00.000-05:00

Lies all lies... seriously is there such a thing as a cheap downtown apt that is...

ahh...

and seriously, SERIOUSLY... spacious 1 1/2 ... HA..

checking out a 3 1/2 at 9 tonight near school. Basement apt.... taking one of the actors from rehersal with me.... I'm SM I have power....

theatre history class, again

2006-03-15T13:21:00.000-05:00

so prof. harry told us that we will be doing the scene for another final time. For the last time... again. Again... so I came up with a hopefully ingenious plan with scene partner. On tuesday we'll meet at 12:30 go for lunch or coffee and do the scene ... and hopefully the in public thing will help us keep it real.

Harry's words of wisdom to me:
- You need to use more consonants, you are too many vowels (translation: you need to pronunciate even when going a mile a minute)
-You bounce. Don't bounce. You're bouncy. (translation: contain some of that energy)

But he did tell us it was better which was not a huge surprise. Off to hear more about Strindberg. Closer to finishing Ibsen.

wake up and smell the coffee

2006-03-15T08:17:00.000-05:00

Didn't get everything done yesterday. But on the bright and shiny found medicare card...it was mixed with my paints. And Raz came over. We watched Dear Frankie. She seemed like she needed to be have some relaxed chill time. So it was worth it. I'm still fighting the whole being behind thing from being sick.... and I mean I'm good now. Really good - oh and healthy. So I just need to focus and bite the bullet and get into uber busy like a really tall bee mode. That's the plan...esp. for today and tommorrow.

Weds night: HOMEWORK... theatre history, script analysis & prep stuff for Good Night Desdemona...

I'm thinking of going to Tim's to get work done. Maybe I'll call Miki and ask him if wants to do homework together. Oh and maybe Tina will want to come too. That could be good. Coffee, homework, with intervals of stupidly happy silly conversation. I could do that. And if they don't go- I think I'll still go to Tim's. My apt is a huge distraction at the moment.... and at this time of year the housework and such seems like a better use of my time.... bloody hell.

Thursday: Morning- call list of apt. to arrange visits for next week, check out more apt near school. After Class at around 4ish: Either work work work if not finished with stuff of from weds or maybe coffee with Alarey before rehersal. Rehersal- 6-9 Must find out if I can get a lift to the metro from Jimmy or if I'll have to leave a little early... would prefer getting home at 10 rather then 11....

Friday: finish the slow tidying up of apt...have to drop of passport application in the morning, check out some downtown apts, and the only maybe in my whole day... to go to the FFAR lecture or not. It's pretty useless seeing as though it has no relevance to the one last thing I'm being graded on... my paper. And must also mail some current apt. lease ending things to my mom. Then sometime all after that evening in with Bryan.

All and all friday not so bad. Just have to get through the beauty of tons of work. I'll get through it.

Oh what was really really on my mind ... was the auditions. I know I want to audition for Queen and Gut Girls.... but I'm not sure about auditioning for the musicals next year. Brecht's Berlin to Broadway.... and Alice and Wonderland an adaptation by Harry Standjofski... yes my prof Harry. I feel a little rusty with my singing. I quit singing class because I needed to afford to the travel. It still makes sense. But I kind of miss it. I think I might look into getting the same singing prof as some guys in school. Same price as my old one and -

So. Right. going to continue to wake up. and be brillent in my scene.

pretty much

2006-03-14T19:06:00.000-05:00

so... yah... right...uh huh.

So I thought hey why not blog before I dive back into homework. So this is me blogging.

SOOO....

Okay this morning was pretty brutal. I have misplaced my medicare card in the catch all that is my apt. Bus passed me by. Had to take cab... metro was evacuated after I got in... either because my own klutzy nature or the woman who ran by me my hot chocolate was covering my new jacket...then the metro took it's time letting people back on.... got to design class (late) and was hit with a whammy of an intense lecture. But regardless of all that I've been happy. Super, unexpected, wonderfully, kinda scary in a nervous great way- sorry lost track of what I was saying. I'm not always good at the words and for someone who is used to going a mile a minute to be completely unable to articulate... it's good though.

Alright so back to those books. Finishing Ibsen tonight for sure- without a doubt. And after I make some food going to clean living room... maybe if I work on cleaning into the apt towards my room instead of the other way it'll tidy up faster... also tommorrow got to call some apts. to see if I can visit them weds evening or thurs morning...

sometimes we have to make our own happy endings

2006-03-11T14:26:00.000-05:00

I've been watcihng My House in Umbria this afternoon. It has sucked me in. I haven't gotten much done. Although today I think I'm okay with that. I'm thinking about my plan of attack for cleaning this apt. I figure I'll start with the bedroom and move to the other end. Start early tommorrow. Was on the phone with Cara until 2 ish. So I had a late start today. But we didn't talk until 8am... so that was better right? I think we were both in that mood- the we need to talk to another person mood. It didn't always make sense and mostly it was talking about musical songs. We don't talk all the time, but when we talk it's usually long and random.

I've been reading all of your blogs (you know who you are... obviously). But I haven't been able to comment. I don't know why. I just haven't been able to - say what I think or feel lately. I can't articulate. I'm a mess. It'll pass- I'll get back to my old cheerful slightly sarcastic... witty self soon. Just have to stop trying to figure it all out. Figuring me out, figuring everyone else out.

2006-03-10T22:07:00.000-05:00

do you ever feel super confused? I wish life just had those clarica commercial... clarity signs so everything just made sense. And you knew things for sure. And that hell I trusted my own judgement or feelings or whatever. I just don't know what I know. Not sure if that made any sense. But that's it. I'm a messy individual. But I like control... I like to think I have a handle on each and everything I do. That I have a handle on what's happening. But isn't it just like life to toss in something new when you just thought you'd gotten in all under control. And your scared. You are terrified of change or even doing something new. With work it's easier... I love new challenges at school, hell even stage managing. I kind of hate it now- but I'm getting worked up over the challenge.

gah sometimes I wish I just knew exactly what to do but I don't. not sure whether to make a choice or do nothing... which ... as I heard today is making a choice too. oi the poodles already.

funny little feeling

2006-03-10T18:44:00.000-05:00

am moron. have turned into klutz and idiot. am blithering idiot.

in the past couple of days have bumped into, smashed into.... open drawers... tables...

have been flustered and completly moronic lately.

am even fumbling on words... sentence structure has gone to hell.

maybe it's the antibiotics... feel like lorelai on gilmore girls when she smashed into the door... esp. when forehead met drawer.

and not to quote the movie but am dazed and confused on assorted topics, people, things, people. also am distracted. goes with dazed and confused.

am a mess.

was under the impression cellphone had gone in trash after eating at food court, esp. when called and did not hear it ring. then went through trash. cellphone was just on silent in the bottom of bag. did not panic- but...felt like big idiot, esp. because was not alone. okay did panic- but on inside...

attempted composure in front of Bryan.

in order to try to not be complete idiot will try to clean/organize bag (v. important) and whole apt. must feel not like moron... must be productive. made copies for script analysis class.. 1 cent a copy. it was awe worthy.

have been reading and re-reading king lear for design project. one of cordelia's lines is stuck in head: Unhappy that I am, I cannot heave | My heart into my mouth.

sweet. expressive. unless taken literally. then really gross.

still at work... must appear to be ... well... working.

before I pass out

2006-03-10T01:39:00.000-05:00

I had a really good time tonight. I mean I was tired... and slightly bummed prior to it because of a rehersal that just didn't ... well it wasn't very productive. They didn't actually reherse just tried... I emphasize on tried to do the whole play italien (really fast with no actions) to see how well they know their lines... they know some scenes... like maybe 5... and the rest I was reading a majority of it. I mean I symphathize because well I've been there... not knowing my lines... But I never got the prep time they've had.. they've had their parts, scripts since October. But whatever... I'll make lemonade out of those lemons... oh yah.

So I went to the college's talent night at Ye Olde Orchard. Had some good conversations... bar/slightly drunken conversation... but good. Enjoyed the talent that I could hear. Was slightly unprepared for the place to be sooo packed, and for the talent show to be booked as the talent. But I think it worked out. It was bad. And if it was... it was bad in a good way. So enjoyable.

I have an oral tommorrow morning.... but for some reason I'm awake now.... sleepy at the bar...awake now.

Oh and THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH Bryan for the ride home. I very much appreciate it. I know I don't have to be big about it and you'd probably say it's no big deal- but I appreciate. Esp. considering you are..were.. probably much more tired then you let on after belting out Meat Loaf, Queen,..etc.

Okay going to pass out now... or force myself.

post nap

2006-03-07T21:41:00.000-05:00

My sleeping pattern is going to be soooo out of whack. But I napped. I slept from 4:30pm to 7:30pm... not too shabby. And my mom made me this soup... which apparently has every healing ingredient she could find... leek (1), ginger (fresh 1 inch and half), carrots (1 pound and half) , garlic (9 cloves), chicken feet (10), chicken breast bones with neck (6), cilantro (1 bag), dill (big bunch according to my mom), scotch peppers (3 or 4)... of course all that was thrown out after it was all boiled and then I just ate the broth with some egg noodles.... it burnt my throat ... but since she made it I ate the whole bowl despite it. Also afterwards I got to sneak a mouth full or two of whipped cream... if I miraculously get better over night, just to bug my mom, I'll tell her the miracle ingredient was the whipped cream. I'm evil. But she loves me, go figure.

So off to finish some sketching and reading and note taking for tommorrow. I'll probably be asleep at 1am. Which I think is better then 3:30am... Okay I'm aiming for midnight. I really have to finish this all. I really want to pass out. But I am determined not to give up on this work load. I'm way too stubborn to stop working, and this cold is way past it's welcome. So if y'all feel like chatting this evening call my cell (this includes you Vero). Am slowly getting voice back and am not good at talking less. It's bad for the soul... and the pores.

Vero: My mom says HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY ... she's in town and around until thrusday night.

Bryan: The movie night is not gender specific. You'd be very much welcome to come to it. No clue on the when... but preferbly (is that spelled right..) before the end the March. And I napped. That is like going to sleep for the night, it's like the cramming of sleep.

beautiful... only slightly mental

2006-03-07T16:21:00.000-05:00

Stayed up most of last night working on design... I passed out sometimes around 3:30am... and woke up at 6:20am... On the bright and shiny I ended up finishing most of design work...visual research is done, preliminary costume designs are done, and I actaully have a pretty good idea of my concept. King Lear ala Industrial-Anti-Nature, almost a - goddess what's the word.... like ..... a perversion of nature... like all the animals are real stuffed animals and the storm is manipulated by industrial sized fans ... although the fans are only good in theory.... lol... in actuality probably way to loud. Anyway... at the end of class the prof was actually nice... and told us that we could add any finishing touches we want ... as long as it's in the design room first thing in the morning. So I'm going to finish some sketches of the actual set and finalize my basic concepts for that.... and if i have time/energy draw it to scale on my ground plan. And then finish off theatre history assignment that is beyond late... okay a week but still. But then again the prof. told me to take my time and two credible sources told be that he doesn't take marks off for lateness. So I think I'm going to take a nice nape first... just a little shut eye.

Also purchased a used copy of the movie Storytelling for $5... which is the flick that Belle and Sebastian did all the music for. So once there is a little more then well ... no time... I feel a double feature movie night coming on. I'm thinking of sticking to double features since only Vero can handle our patent 3-4 movies a night ... nights.

I was thinking Storytelling, and the Princess and the Warrior (German flick from the makers of Run Lola Run)... I figure if a theme was needed... unconventional films...

Also a little advert... ROOMATE(s) POSSIBLY NEEDED, NON-SMOKER, WILLING TO PAY HALF THE RENT... May have found a 3 and 1/2 basement apt. next to LOY... also may have found huge 5 1/2 (with either 3 roomates paying around 300 or 4 paying around 200 something each... if 4 roomates closed off living room can be turned into a room) near Vendome...

2006-03-06T00:54:00.000-05:00

Vero: I totally agree on the Jon Stewert. I also loved how he was laughing when they got off the stage. And with the whole comment on how they were the only people so far who seemed to be really hyped to be there. I loved Jon Stewert as the host. He is a funny funny man.

Just doing some last minute cleaning of apt... cause mom is coming down tommorrow.... listening to Kate Earl's Waiting for Someone to Love... good song.... ooh since it's changed to Vassey's Wanna Fly... gonna finish with the cleaning before it becomes time to wake up.

right back where we started from

2006-03-05T21:40:00.000-05:00

SO I'm officially a nutter.

I've decided oh so last minute to change my play choice for design class from Servant Two Master by Goldoni to King Lear by goode ole Willy Shakes.

Also am not using MSN for awhile... and not because I'm giving it up... but because it's pissing me off so much by not working properly on my mac. If anyone wants to chat with me and has aol instant messager my name is dreamtramp1984. The root of the name is from the gilmore girls quote, Lorelai's response to Luke asking her if they were alone together in her dream, "What am I a dream tramp?"

Also just an FYI for those not watching the Oscars... the world is officially going to end... the best song went to ... drum roll : It's hard out here for a pimp from the film Hustle and Flow.

Okay... back to the crazy world of Lear... which on another re-read is really an old crazy man being shuffled from one ungrateful daughter to the other, kind of like trying to take the old mans money and stick him in a home... which he may deserve... a modern day Lear would be like putting her in a home right... maybe I'll take a modern take... in a modern dress. Not sure yet.

* the title of todays blog is the title of a Maxine Nightingale song... you know the song... it's been in my head for awhile and had to get it out...:
Ooh, you know it's alright and it's coming on
We gotta get right back to where we started from
Love is good, love can be strong
We gotta get right back to where we started from

get a boost

2006-03-05T00:07:00.000-05:00

First off... hilarious snl skit that I just watched on SNL... called jumpin juice with Natalie Portman. She's a behind the counter type whose bouncin' off the walls with almost caffiene high buzz and cheer... tee hee.

And second... althoughtthat implies I may go for third. Screw it-ditching that device.

HAPPY FREAKIN' BIRTHDAY VERO. YOU ROCK. HAPPY 19th.... AGAIN!!!!!

Okay that felt pretty.

I had a great time today/tonight with Heather and Bryan which well wasn't a huge surprise... hmm two great, interesting, people. Also the play was funny. And if anyone is inclined for good funny plays... who lurk at my blog without commenting you know who all 4 of you are. You should go to see Mandragola tommorrow at I believe 7pm at TJ third floor (check the artmatters website to verify). It's free, and holds much mroe then it's value.

Going to head to bed before codine stops working. I'm looking forward to a early start tommorrow. I was thinking of starting the day with a big cup of tea in bed and reading a stack of magazines I have... Maissoneauve, Bitch, The Walrus... and the New Yorker- which I'm not usually inclined to ever pick up... but my theatre history prof. recently told us all that we are morons who should read the New Yorker. I just kind of want to read it to see what he's all ... snotty about. 2nd prof. to call us all morons in the theatre dept. I hate being called an idiot... and worst of all I hate feeling that it's partially true...

Going to bed with thoughts of happy times of tonight on my mind... and will ignore constant coughing... happy birthday vero.

2006-03-03T19:47:00.000-05:00

So I’m mulling a couple of things over at the moment. There is that idea of working as a Disney Princess on a Disney cruise… the idea of working for corporate of America is kind of making me sea sick already… I’m mulling over the possibility of getting an agent in Montreal to try to start working… I think the fear of rejection is stopping me. I’m mulling over the idea of starting a magazine like the Void- but out of the theatre dept… as a way of putting a spotlight on theatre in Montreal. But my current semester is stopping me at the moment… as well as my job as stage manager for a production that feels like it’s going up in flames baby. In flames. I also had a flash of a thought for the future what about jumping on a plane, abandoning one and all, and becoming a freelance travel writer even though my grammer is shit.

Also thinking about trip... will it be with me myself and i or with grandma? Trying to think if I can do it alone? Can I do it alone? Not 100% I mean I went to TO alone and up north to visit my mom alone- but I was always going to someone. I'm a little worried about being too alone... like Carrie in Sex and the City when she was in Paris. She was able to enjoy the beauty of the city but she didn't feel as alive with it because she wasn't able to share her experiences with someone else. I want to be the girl who can do it all alone. Because that's life right. Is it wrong that part of me yearns to have someone by myside sharing life experiences with? Someone who knows all the same stories because they're living it to.

On a purchase note: I got a copy of 'A Vindication of the Rights of Women,' by Mary Wollstonecraft and 'The Beauty Myth' by Naomi Wolf. Partially because I wanted to read them both completely because I've only read excerpts, and partially for my FFAR paper. BTW thank you alot Heather you were a life saver.

tea day

2006-03-02T23:45:00.000-05:00

Despite having a cold... I've managed to get my energy back. I mean it's not like back back... no way is it near how Stella got her groove back back... but you know- more energy (wow don't you love how I massacre spelling and grammer-take that years of english class). I felt pretty good about myself. Guess what I did.... I cooked an egg....oh no folks not just any egg- the elusive sunny side up. I managed to make it perfectly. It wasn't runny. It wasn't over cooked. It was pretty perfect. I might try it again with a little less time like 15 seconds to see if it's still gooey... but gooey-er. It's kinda fun when I suceed in the kitchen, since it's pretty rare.

I went to 2nd Cuppa for cuppa tea with Bryan. It was mucho awesome. Good tea and conversation what more could a girl want to start a morning... okay maybe there are fantastical options for that... but come on reality people. Had mint tea... i think... yes mint. Then hoped on the shuttle to good old loy... could have used more tea time but hey... the class did call.

Script Analysis... good old Harry. I did kinda go off into my head a bit in class or to writing notes to Alarey. He called us all idiots, but in a completely okay way. It's true- for university students we don't know enough. Mind you he's talking to alot of kids who just got out of high school and haven't had time to take electives that might cure some of that lack of knowledge. But hey I'm not straight from high school and while I know a bit more about european history then most.... and recal some of high school Canadian History... and am pretty good with the current affiars... I couldn't answer questions about the Vietnam war ... American history isn't huge for me... I mean I know about the civil war... thank you books and tv movies.... I don't know much about VIetnam... I avoided all those war guts and gore movies. I mean I know of them... but hey isn't it sad I know about it from movies, tv, and some from books. Some.... I mean I know about topics... big on feminism- although couldn't give you exact dates.

Anyhoo. That ended. Patrick read my tarot cards... which was interesting to say the least. I was kind of backseat card reading... but I tried not to I swear. It's never as fun and surprising when you realize it before it's told to you.

Also had tea... see how tea is the them of the day with Alarey- who rocks. I got birthday cake-sandwich-tea (green tea). It was awesome... and meant more great conversation... which was mainly a reaction to our tarot readings and tea. I'd so do it all again. Ooohh and checked out possible apt. Thinking it's a no go... it's not as close to Sherbrooke as I would have liked.

And now I'm at home sweet home. I hope I stop coughing.... and I'll have more happy days like this. It's been a good one.

once upon a ...

2006-03-01T23:23:00.000-05:00

Alright first of all Belle and Sebastian was... well euphoric, amazing, wonderful, a giddy experience of yay, it was ... great. It's hard for me to really go into detail or give you everything. Because even though I have moments in my head, feelings in my heart and mind and body, and song ... oh the songs. I swayed. I even attempted a little skankin' (the dancin- not the ...). My love for the band grew from wow to OMG wow. And the great experience at the concert was aided by the company (note to company: thanks you for the great evening).

What else is new and exciting... still ill. Okay that's not new. My pal Louis burnt me some Veronica Mars episodes which is always fun... being as they are witty, funny, and use the color green so often there could be a very productive drinking game.

Last night I was really tired and I actually wrote in my old journal. The last entry was sometime is 2003... 3 years ago... I read back a bit and I realized for such a long time I wrote things like i feel so alone. 3 years later... I've had that same thought. It's not overwealmingly everywhere... and it's not wah wah wah poor me... but I have to say it's kind of eery for something that was on your mind a long time ago is still on your mind. It was odd to be writing in a real journal. I used to write on and off all the time... never really filling a book... but keeping at it. It's crazy about how somethings stay the same... and somethings are so different.

thoughts prior to pillow time

2006-02-26T02:15:00.000-05:00

so I should be asleep. but lying in bed starring at the ceiling simply doesn't work for me. i've rested soooooo much this week. I think I'm done with that. I feel like a kid right now all nerves. Can't place why. Maybe it's the concert. Or maybe it's the upcoming birthday... maybe I'll try to read old music reviews from MOJO... I like birthdays... they feel like new beginnings... I just always feel like I can be more of the girl I want to be around birthdays... or maybe I get closer to seeing myself as ideal... growing up. grown up. my mom will come down and visit ... not at birthday time but at least a week after... she promised me a proper cake ... I'm thinking coffee/chocolate combo. Man I really need to clean up my apt sometime... but I guess I'm always on the go go go... and everything else seems so much more important. I've gotten all my medical appointments taken care of for atleast the next 9 months.... just need to get the whole passport thing done. Forms freak me out... i'm a perfectionist and forms are suppose to be done... well without screwups. And renew my travel discount card at travel cuts... must take picture for that... figure out how to renew visa, and keep student package... oooh must pay off visa.... and save any left over birthday cash for trip... must proactively decide, where / when .... must bring down trash... must review monologue... must shower.... must stop thoughts...

this is why I keep a pen,pencil and a stack of post-its by my bed... before trying to sleep it usually comes down to every little thing I have to get done. I was thinking next year of going to the festival of the lights...

I would have gone tonight... had I not been recuperating... silly me.

sad lisa

2006-02-23T20:30:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time... I was named after a Cat Steven's song. My dad wanted to call me Lisa after the song Sad Lisa:

She hangs her head and cries on my shirt.
She must be hurt very badly.
Tell me what’s making you sadly?
Open your door, don’t hide in the dark.
You’re lost in the dark, you can trust me.
’cause you know that’s how it must be.

Lisa lisa, sad lisa lisa.

Her eyes like windows, tricklin’ rain
Upon her pain getting deeper.
Though my love wants to relieve her.
She walks alone from wall to wall.
Lost in a hall, she can’t hear me.
Though I know she likes to be near me.

Lisa lisa, sad lisa lisa.

She sits in a corner by the door.
There must be more I can tell her.
If she really wants me to help her.
I’ll do what I can to show her the way.
And maybe one day I will free her.
Though I know no one can see her.

Lisa lisa, sad lisa lisa.

----

Sometimes I wonder why he made the decision in 1984 to name me after a Cat Steven's song about a sad, lonely girl. My mother named be Elisabeth as a compromise... call me Lisa... but me to really named Elisabeth (like Queen Elisabeth). But my name is Lisa. I can't escape it... nor would I want to. When I think about my dad... which comes and goes these days... I've been trying to think of the good things. I've managed to get over the huge lump of pain that was my dad. At least as much as I can. And now I remember he used to and probably still does love music. Maybe that's where I got my love for music. My mom certainly doesn't love music. And I of all people know how a song can feed your soul... and I have to think why this song was so important he wanted to name his first child... only child after it. I can't help but wonder if it was a drug high thing... or a boozed up decision or if through all the fog of abuse it meant something. Calling a child you weren't ready for Lisa... sad Lisa.

I remember as a child looking at the cover of Tea for Tillerman... the album that Sad Lisa was released on in 1970. He was what 20 something when it came out. The cover of the album seemed so whimsical. I never really connected to the song whenever it was played. It was just something I asked my parents BD (before divorce). All I know is it was haunting. I haven't listened to it in ages.

So Belle and Sebastian mention Lisa alot in their lyics... as Bryan pointed out to me.

"'Cause Lisa learned a lot from putting on a blindfold
When she knew she had been bad
She met another blind kid at a fancy dress
It was the best sex she ever had." -The Model

"They let Lisa go blind
The world was at her feet and she was looking down
They let Lisa go blind
But everyone she knew thought she was beautiful
Only slightly mental
Beautiful, a bit temperamental
Beautiful, only slightly mental
Beautiful" -Beautiful

"Lisa knows a girl who's been abused
It changed her philosophy in '82
She's always looking for a fight
She keeps the neighbours up all night"-She's Losing it

"Lisa's kissing men like a long walk home
When the music stops
Take a tip from me, don't go through the park
When you're on your own, it's a long walk home" - Like Dylan in the Movies

This is what Stuart (singer/songwriter) said about soo much of 'Lisa' in his songs

From: Bart - Waco, TX
Q.Is the same "Lisa" being referred to in the songs, "Like Dylan in the Movies," "She's Losing It," and "Beautiful?" Who is this Lisa, and why is she special enough to make it into three songs? When is there going to be a song about me?

A. Yes, I never really thought about those three tunes being connected, but it certainly is the same character. For a mercifully short time I used to lead a group called 'Lisa Helps The Blind'. The name came from a headline in a local paper about a girl called Lisa who taught blind kids to do art. I just let my imagination run its course...Lisa just seems to roll off the tongue, or at least the pallet. I can't imagine ever writing about a boy named Bart. I'm more likely to write about B.A.R.T., the Bay Area Rapid Transit.
Stuart.

So maybe it's all made up... maybe the reason for my name doesn't really matter... and maybe I've only had me for company for too long.

who needs an electronic toothbrush?!?

2006-02-23T13:10:00.000-05:00

Alright my Nanny picked me up one. I'm having issues with it. It looks/feels/is a waste of money. It would be a bigger waste not too. I'm slightly codine-ed and trying to read these instructions which are written with idiots intended. But then again I'm a little dumb at the moment. Maybe I should try to let it be until after I feel better. I just wanted to do something- something that wasn't so mindless.

2006-02-21T18:07:00.000-05:00

so I realized this weekend that doing nothing was good sometimes... but when it's forced upon you and not a choice... it's not cool.

That's what I can't take about being sick. I also can't talk and that's really getting me down. But my Nanny and Papper dropped some grocerie and some videos. Been watching Crash this afternoon. It's pretty messed up. I think the moral is that a) everyone is racist, just a little bit and b) everyone loves people and wants to protect the ones they love fiercly and c) no one makes the right decision and no one is perfect.

Next on the viewing list is North Country with Charleze Theron... the premise is slightly Norma Ray. I just want to get my focus back so tommorrow I can work on school stuff.... I promise to all concerned I won't exert myself.

And I will feel better.

2006-02-20T21:48:00.000-05:00

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable. - Bruce Lee

2006-02-20T21:05:00.000-05:00

Alright world- so I have Laryngitis.

I'm going to drink tea, suck on halls, rest up ... etc. etc. etc.

I will be better before Belle and Seb. I will. I'm keeping a positive outlook. I will get better.

I'll keep on task and finish the boat load of work I have to do. I can do it. Just trying to look on the sunny side of the street.

So I'll do what makes me feel better...lists...

Classes:
TPER: -once voice is back go over monologue
- break down 'The Lights' for my scene work

DFTT:- finish 2 last model pieces
- do some priminary drawings for costumes and sets.
- do visual research and start up a scrap book

Script Analysis: - read Stoppard's Arcadia
- research Top Girls

FFAR: -come up with decent topic for paper
- write outline

Theatre History: -research specific Ghost's production
-research Ibsen more in depth
- finish dossier

Goodnight Desdemona:
-finish production book
-finish prompt book
-e-mail Director all my questions concerning production and/or arrangee a production meeting.

2006-02-20T02:08:00.000-05:00

I give up. I truly do. I'm a week to being 22 and I give up. Not on life. Because that would be beyond stupid. I just give up on being always in my head. Sometimes it's nice to close your eyes and live in a fantasy and imagine what life could be like. But that's not the answer. Sometimes you get so caught up in what ifs that you forget the what is. So to hell with being always in my head... although I think that it has something to do with to much me and my apt time. Living in a cultural wasteland in winter has it's way of keeping you in... and when you're alone, baby you're alone.

Some days I get home and I just wish someone was there to support me, hold me, help me get through it somehow. Little things I swear... I took it for granted, not having to worry about cooking diner everynight or assembling something to attempt to eat. I've learnt from being alone that I truly truly suck at cooking. Seriously.

I mean being a grown up kind of sucks. So I take myself to my reg. Doc, gyno, derm, dentist... etc. I'm even going tommorrow to the clinic to check out a painful cough. I think this could just be fostering hypocondria... but whatever.

Alright so I'm responsible for it all right. Except for the big $ factor. With means I'm what a half-adult. God I don't know. What's it about 2:30 in the morning that makes me feel reflective. I don't know. Maybe if I jump in the shower I'll feel better... or more awake. Or something like that.

Being a grown up can suck.

2006-02-19T15:02:00.000-05:00

just checking in to the world... i'll be home around 7:30 ish... feeling a little under the weather. I think it has to do with the fact that I've started to slow down to take notice. Maybe I should go back to hyper-speed and stop noticing. I'll just nick this painful cough thing in the butt and go to the clinic in the morning. Bugger.

2006-02-18T14:53:00.000-05:00

I've just been vegging out. Which doesn't happen often. I'm enjoying it. It's just a ride, right? Just lie back and enjoy it.

2006-02-18T14:52:00.000-05:00

Trying to turn crap reality to golden fiction:

Confessions of a Telephoniste
She was a peon, drone, and completely replaceable element at work. She knew it. She logged in the hours to make the cash to get where she wanted to go. That was the point of part-time… wasn’t it? She’d worked there for about four years, and she was comfortable. Her job didn’t really have a title. She worked at a restaurant, and picked up the phone for the called take-out orders. She said something along the lines of May I help you, pick up or delivery…blah…blah…blah adding in the odd I’m so sorry, what can we do to help you, that dish was actually a soup, we’re so sorry we didn’t tell you in advance what you asked us for. She had become an ‘us’, as all the girls became. And when anything went wrong, it was usually the new girl. But none of them were new anymore, it was more of a code for ‘it’s really not our fault- but we’ll pretend it is’. She also helped the waitresses as a bus-girl and dealt with the clients who had eaten there, so they could pay and leave promptly. Sadly no one ever seemed to understand the concept of a line. She tried to pretend that it didn’t matter that she felt like she was back in high school working there. The two other girls working, technically under her- but who didn’t acknowledge that, had just graduated high school. And the older women who were the waitresses seemed to be stuck in that high school mentality also… or maybe they just enjoyed pretending with the phone girls. Today was no different then the previous. The tall, brunette waitress had called her ‘girl’ even though they’d worked together for three of her four years. She had been advised to ‘get laid’ by the blonde phone girl. She had even enjoyed pleasant conversation with the coffee addicted delivery guy. She had a smile on her face which was different from most days when she was so tired from a long school day she didn’t think she could put one foot in front of the other. But today was different- she would be off for a whole week. Mind you, she had projects and work to go to, but at least she could actually do normal things like go grocery shopping or do laundry or heck read a book that wasn’t assigned. She was beaming. It wasn’t really busy yet so she enjoyed a lackadaisical spin in her old office chair. Then she heard something bizarre from the new girl, well the newest girl, the brunette phone girl who’d been there about a year. Something about a list. Something about her. Something fishy. So she pressed the girl until she got something. She waitresses and other phone girl had a list going on charting her moods… today would have been a check in the good mood category. Which apparently wasn’t the winning column. They’d been laughing at her for four months, she could now remember them asking her when she walked in from the blistering cold how she was feeling. She was always honest, usually having just run from her apartment from the bus to change for work. She was usually not bright eyed and bushytailed. She was nice to clients and smiled for them, but she would be honest to her co-workers. But apparently they had all had a good laugh at her expense. She spent most of work holding her tears. She was sensitive- and she couldn’t help it. She just wouldn’t talk to them. They tried to make a joking matter about it, why couldn’t they see that they’d managed to hurt her feelings by making her a joke. Something she hadn’t been since high school. Maybe it was time to get into another part-time job… be a peon elsewhere. Somewhere that felt a little less like an estrogen filled high school classroom.

2006-02-17T18:09:00.000-05:00

Should I be hurt that my co-workers behind my back, for months kept a chart
of how I behave... two columns. Fine and not fine. Charting my mood.
Apparently not fine won. I'm kind of hurt.

2006-02-17T16:41:00.000-05:00

The time on the bus seems to pass slower then any other time. I close my eyes and try to concentrate on anything else but the nausea over taking me. Stop, go, stop, go, stop, go. The lurching forward of the bus makes me want to heave. I know it I’m going to puke if I don’t get out of this bus. I lean my head on the handle of my umbrella. Breathe… just breathe. I try to ignore the way my stomach seems to be ready to burst. I can’t really move. All around me there are people, people, everywhere people. I’d open the window if I were near one. All I want to do is to get fresh air. Just fresh air so I don’t pass out. Maybe I can get out early and walk the rest of the way. Maybe it’ll be a better but the wind is too strong and it’s too cold. The hot air wafting up from the heaters isn’t helping and only making me need air more. More air. I feel like I’m choking on nothing. I’m getting dizzy, and my vision is blurring on the edges. I should get more sleep and eat better. I’m close to getting off- so close. But not close enough. I scramble with my heavy bag close to the door and stand behind a ridiculously tall man. We stop at a stoplight. God why can’t they drop me off here, it’s close enough. Finally the doors open and I walk like a zombie of the bus. I don’t even look back to see if I have forgotten anything, I don’t care. I suck in the fresh cold air. I don’t care that it’s hurting to breathe it in or that the wind is this close to knocking me over. It’s fresh air. I slowly slid my feet, skating over the thick ice until I get to my apartment building. I walk up the stairs, in a daze. Once I’m in my apartment I drop my bags, I strip off my clothes until I’m in my panties and bra. I run to my window and jerk it open. Air. I cross the windows and turn down the heat to air out my stuffy apartment. I go to the bathroom and collapse over the sink. I look up to see my haggard reflection in the mirror. I have to go to work, I have to beautify and put on a happy face.

damn theatre history

2006-02-15T15:36:00.000-05:00

So Ibsen... Ghosts... oral over not sure how I did. I kind of stumbled at the end. And my prof. went on fooooorrrevvvvvver before we were allowed to do our oral. We had pumped ourselves up before so we were ready... so much for that. He went on for over an hour about how our essays should be written better and more like reviews from the New Yorker (as for how we write, the language, and apparently the structure- even though an essay structure isn't a review). It's amusing that before we wrote the essay we were forced to have a How-to-write essays lesson. And I was clear and concise and didn't go off topic and apparently I got penalized for not being wordy or colorful enough and was still told I was vague. I got a B. Not bad- but I feel deflated that I didn't do what I was suppose to.... blah. He brought down my up energy with that New Yorker schtick. so enough of theatre history, as I am in it at the moment. very much bumming me out.

So I'll later have a meeting for CAST then move on to going home to sleep.... I hope. I have prep work and reading to do for Script Analysis. I think I'm going to splurge and either eat out or order in. I can't wait. Real food and sleep. And tonight I'll mainly work on fixing up my prompt book for Goodnight Desdemona rehersal tommorrow night. So if any of you want call me... tonight or this evening would be good.

Gilmore girls last night was pretty good. I liked it- I won't talk to much about it because Heather has not watched season 6... I got soo frustrated. I thought they got somewhere and then returned to where they started...

2006-02-13T21:21:00.000-05:00

I'm super duper busy at the momet avoiding work on my oral. I feel non-productive. I don't mind though. Just a little post and then off to the great homework race of 2006 part 1.

I got tickets to Belle and Sebastian!!! YAY.

Okay there was the joy.

Now back to work.

Actually first...

Birthday List
wants, dreams and desires:
- a pony
just kidding

- DVDs
1) Grey's Anatomy Season 1
2) Walk the LIne (widescreen)
3) Breakfast At Tiffany's (newly released edition)

Although DVDs aren't a must. SInce I usually will buy them for myself.

So anything y'all want to get me is good.

I mean anything that you see and makes you think of me. I'd be happy if you gave me a sticker- just as long as it made you think of me. Thoughtful gift is all I want.

But if you want a list of what not to get me:
- earings (don't have pierced ears)
- romance novels (contrary to my Nanny's belief I don't like Harlequinn)
- lingerie (i'm just putting this because although, it was interesting getting lingerie from my Nanny this Christmas...)
- candles

On the random I got a postcard from Danny from London. I love postcards.

just breathe

2006-02-12T23:08:00.000-05:00

I've been sitting on my couch for an hour. I can't seem to move. My back is killing me. I blame Valentine's day. The weekend before is one of the busiest weekends of the year for restaurants. That's all I blame because of course it's my fault for pushing myself to hard. Running around- doing what I have to do. I'm surrounding my papers, school supplies, binders, duotangs, open bags... I feel it weighing down on my shoulders. And I just can't wait until I can go to bed and not be stressed and jumping out to run to the bus. I can't wait to be able to really enjoy a shower, and enjoy pampering myself with more then 5 minutes preparing to go out. I find joy in the small things. I can't wait until I can not be a stranger to myself. A day with nothing to do but relax, reflect- and maybe do my nails. My selfish zen. I want to go dancing and not worry about the day after. Sometimes I wish I was one of those really dumb irresponsible girls... really dumb. No worry in the world, no thought in my head. I could have a easy fun day and night.

Of course once I realized I was that person I'd probably kill myself.

But that's just me.

So I should probably get off the couch. Either finish organizing the real mess of scattered papers in front of me or crawl under my covers and wait for day to come. Or maybe I'll review my lines and climb into the problems of characters... Sandy the down and out worn down wife or Lillian the naive girl about the be broken into the city. Everyone's just a little bit broken, aren't they.

I'm going to be 22. I wonder what that'll be like- probably a lot like 21. But different, right? I just keep getting older and still feeling deep down like the 11 year old girl who at her Aunt's funeral wondered why did it have to happen on my birthday, and then hating herself for being selfish. Knowing it was wrong to think of herself on a day where her cousin Timmy couldn't stand because he was crying so hard. Does that make me a bad person. Sometimes I think it does. I think I'm too self involved sometimes. But maybe we all have to be self-involved. At least a bit.

I wonder when it's going to start making sense. Life you know. When is that dance we dance will start to make sense. I've been spinning around the dance floor to the same song for awhile. I know this isn't the general, what my day was about post. I'm not going to defend what I'm expressing right now. So if anyone of you wants to tell me to cheer up or get to better or get out of this frame of mind. Fuck off. Seriously.

I'm just feeling slightly hostile and off-kilter. I've been crabby most of the weekend at work, giving out fake smiles like they were on sale. I'm just feeling ... alone. Stupid appartment. It feels big with only little ole me in it. I'm not crying for someone to be with as in relationship- I just wish that I had someone to make the space seem small again and to lean on when things seem crazy and intense...or when I'm crazy and intense. I'm not just a nice pretty girl. I'm a mess sometimes, and sometimes I can't fucking take it. I want to just be comforted.

I may feel really out of it right now... but at least I know regardless of everything, I'm never going to give up going after what I want. I hate when my back hurts.

Waiting for Someone to Love

2006-02-11T07:48:00.000-05:00

The title is the title of a song I'm listening to by Kate Earl.

SO BIG SHOUT OUT:

Are anyone of you free sunday the 26th and love Belle and Sebastian?

Because Metropolis has tickets that night.

And the next day is my birthday. Kismit I tell you. Even if I do have class the next morning and have to get out of work for it..

So please someone come with moi ;)

hazy shade of winter

2006-02-10T22:31:00.000-05:00

Okay so I was trying to get in a posty mood- but it died. Rehersal was great last night. I was treated very well. I think they don't want me to quit like the last one. They were going on about the wonders of having a SM. I wonder how long it'll last ;)

Today finished essay for FFAR- cross fingers- hope I don't fail.

Had greesy comfort food with Laurie at Faubourg.

I'm going to be 22... last time I had the mirror digits was 11...

Work was busy... silly Valentine's Day weekend.

Going to school tommorrow morning to work on model of theatre for design. AHHHHH. I hope Jeff drives Janet to class so I can get a lift in.

Alright must either eat or go to bed. I had a big lunch and breakfast... maybe I'll snack...

long and winding road...

2006-02-08T21:27:00.000-05:00

It's been a long days night... and oi with the poodles I'm quoting Beatles songs. Alright so today started with a bus/metro/bus where I read Ibsen's Ghosts until I got to school. Chatted with Sasha on the bus closest to school and a bit at school since he is the only other person insane enough to be at school so early. Well he workstudy's at school and just makes just classrooms are clean, and if not cleans them. Good guy- a little strange. Chatted with Reed for a minute in perf. this morning before it got started. Everyone shows up 5 minutes late- including the prof. Good ole reliable Harry. Barely anyone showed. Most because of Mono, one because of other illness, and one for two for no apparent reason. So we saw two people work on their monologues and no scenes... none of which were mine. But it was fun to watch Reed try to find depth in his monologue about dicks, pussys, and assholes (which relate of course to the film actors guild). Anhita was trying to change what was already a great monogue from last time... she was told afterwards... if it ain't broke don't fix it. So we improved- which I like... starting to enjoy. I was really tense and esp. nervous when Harry told us that we had to do our improvs together each (2 people) of us using only lines from our monologues to converse. I was terrified. And before I went ran my monologue in my head a couple of times. When I went up I was terrified. In my head I was thinking I'll open with calling the girl a goddamn holy bitch... brillent. But my partner was not a chick, but Jimmy. But Jimmy is awesome and it ended up working out. He started off with a line about the almost missing the metro in a funny geeky voice, and I countered with 'You lie'. It was like playing a game of tennis or badminton... it was fun once we got into it. Someone his monologue (the Audition) about a crazy type ego manic auditioner and mine (crackwalker) about a dead baby and bad life... turned into a beautifully funny story of a guy who hasn't had sex in 10 years and girl who almost wanted to have it with him until he told her about his fetish to be play Little Red Riding Hood and play an ant- but in the end the girl (moi of course) told him he could tell other people that they did it. We even got praise after class... it was odd. I really felt like I was having fun... which is always good. Sold Candy Grams during lunch... felt like I was back in high school. After Theatre History worked on my Ibsen reserch for my Oral next week and worked on my thesis for my FFAR essay... Am SO wiped out. Hoping for a second wind so I can work on my essay. Am terrified of drafting work tommorrow.

Weird note but in the bottom front teeth I can feel the spaces in between the teeth with my tongue... honestly before I never could... I guess 6 years and no dentist meant a lot of plaque...

2006-02-07T19:18:00.000-05:00

I'm not really up for a full blown post. Really tired. So what's new in my world:

- am stage manager for Po Production's Goodnight Desdemona (Good Morning Juliet) which is going up in April. (Don't know if this was a good or bad idea)
- am working on a maquette this week of the DB Clarke theatre... have learnt I'm not really good at drafting... I felt like an idiot in class today. I really did. I'm not good with measurements and exactos and to scale. I was really frustrated after working on it for about 4 hours straight. I couldn't think- I wanted to cry. It's due next tuesday. I booked time on saturday morning to work on it and hopefully I can go in on thursday too.
-am working on my essay for FFAR- I want to write my thesis and outline tonight to e-mail to my TA and finish my first draft on weds night then review it friday morning. I'm too busy on thurs to work on it.
-am going to take two tylenols reg to kill a head ache that I've had since I got off the bus, a screaming toddler for 15 minutes killed me, and the dentist didn't help.
-went to the dentist. have clean teeth. next appointment 9 monthes (like a pregnancy... odd). Apparently my wisdom teeth haven't even grown at the root yet... which is bizarre. So they'll check back then.
- have to finish reading Ibsen's Ghosts.
- Design class really wiped me out, I just hope the tylenol works
- not sure how I'll be able to balance everything and figure out moving... bugger. I hate the stress. But one would think moving some place else closer to school will bring less stress... I don't even know anymore.
- thinking of taking a planned package trip to Ireland... because not having to super plan ahead might be nice.

Johnny Canuck and the Last Burlesque

2006-02-07T19:11:00.000-05:00

What I liked: - The songs (not extraordinary but inventive.) -Specifically a song about how there were no white picket fences for the down and dirty burlesquers -Hitler/Jean Drapeau... the accents, the dancing, the villians. - Revival of the Marx Brothers as all of the secondary type characters -Best use of a Help sign (drops down as the secret word) -The second act -I liked the concept of the set -Johnny Canuck was hot and was able to work that super hero pose -cheesy almost crossing the line What I did not like -The boss character almost fell out of her low top through most of act 2... - head mics are not necessary for just the singing parts when it's just such a small place - head mics don't make you sound better, I think some of the actors wish they have that power - The end of the first act -The realization of the set... not so great, looked shabby -mute girl maid, was pretty...but -cheesy almost crossing the line.

So far that is all I can remember at this moment.

first initial feeling

2006-02-01T23:37:00.000-05:00

Funny. Hitler. Comic Books. Burlesque. Stupid- but funny.

Had a good time.

2006-02-01T15:49:00.000-05:00

Sitting next to mat is like sitting next to a petulant 2 year old.

road to acceptance

2006-02-01T14:14:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I've calm down. And I've come to realize that this may not be the end of the world. We would be moving. But I have no clue when or where. I'm going to look on the island for an apt at the moment. I'm going to plan ahead. Because at the moment what else can I do. I don't know when they are selling or when they are moving. My mom has told me it could happen in a month or in 2 years. So I can't make a decision. At the moment of moving time I'll bring it up again. And if it looks like they'll be working the summer season most def. I'll move downtown.

But then again. I'm not sure if she would want to live on the island. And what about the pets. I can't do anything- but freakin out now isn't going to do anything, right? I want to scream. But I think at the moment I just continue to live life as I've started to. I really needed to rant and vent. So yah. Vented.

Tonight going to see Johnny Canuck and the Last Burlesque with Danny. So I'll review it tommorrow or friday or hell tonight.

Am IN HELL

2006-01-31T21:25:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to finish my 500 word history paper... and I can't concentrate. I keep trying to run somewhere. The TV IS TOO LOUD for me to even work in my room. Mike's on the phone talking super loud. Mom's in the living room. So that's the kitchen and living room and my room... all not good to work on this goddamn mother f-

I'm just tense on this because the prof. thinks theatre students are morons. I'm not a moron and I feel the need to prove this to them.

Maybe I can go to Tim Hortens after Gilmore Girls to work on it....

Breathe.

Must breathe and not kill my mother.

I'm just pissed at her for changing the game on me. By telling me they are going to sell the Auberge and start over again in laval. Fuck I was just getting settled and they turn my life upside down again. Double fuck. I want to scream or cry. I know it's selfish. But goddamn. I want to puke.

I'm seriously thinking of not going abroad this summer and just using my travel money to pay for the first monthes of an apt totally out from under my mother. I need to be able to control my own life. Her being able to control mine with just a moments notice is not cool. I need some stability. I just get used to all this distance and now she wants to be all in my face again. No way. I can't go back to it being like that I just can't it's not happening. We argue when we're with each other all the time. All the things I've had to do for the past year and a half would just be her again. And god knows whether she'd have a job. I don't want this. I need to be on my own. I can't deal with being with my mother too often ... we can only deal with each other in small doses. This is so not good. The opposite of good. Bad. Very bad.

As you will all remember we get at each others throats all the fucking time because we're too alike. And if they come back for sure. Guess what... so do the animals... aka cats I'm allergic to and the puppy. In a tiny apt. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it.

I know it may not be nice to say. But I don't give a shit.

teal high heels

2006-01-30T21:16:00.000-05:00

Something about wearing heels just makes me feel more female. I know that's our cultures influence-but there's nothing like a beautiful shoe. I remember trying on my mothers shoes when I was a child, and trying to walk around in them, trying to keep my balance in what seemed like stilts. Wobbling on wood floors. There were mainly black classic pumps. Some beige. One white pair. I remember shoes well. I mean, I remember shopping for sensible shoes for Italy with Heather, I remember when Vero got those hot purple ankle boots from Winners, I remember a story behind every shoe I have bought. From Prom shoes, sparkly summer shoes, running shoes that have lasted 3 years.... Even the flip flops that Vero got me that are still intact.

This all comes to me as I look at my $5 teal heels with there soft exterior that's sturdy enough to cup my foot and support me. And beautiful enough to make me smile.

odds and ends

2006-01-30T18:19:00.000-05:00

Am contemplating things... waiting for mom and mike.... tidying up the living room so it's live-able.... listerning to music of New Orleans... blessed be the goddess moon... random words are fun.

Alright that was enough non-sense ...

So going go after I finish cleaning to mail Vero something she subtly reminded me off sending her... like a gentle leaf on the wind...

Am wearing my nanny's vintage 1920's heels which I think are at least a size too small.. but fuck it. They are gorgeous. When I first wore them I thought wow this is heaven. This is being connected to her. She danced the night away in these and I'm going to do the same... so far I haven't done them justice yet. I will.

I think the first time I listened to music and thought wow... that's something... that's all mighty stuff... goddess... god even.. was listening to Belle and Sebastians- If you're feeling sinister. I was lying on the mattress Vero used to sleep on in my old house starring at the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling. And I felt wonderful.

Alright off of this random track.

Note to Vero: You dated Reed!!! Reed as in guy in my performance class Reed. Some guy Tim informed me. May I just say... small mother fucking world yall.

Note to Heather: I hope you feel better mon cher (channeling my Ya Ya) remember you're no good to us sickly- get better. And today was interesting to say the least.

Horoscope of the day:

What's considered normal and even desirable by popular standards will seem suddenly laughable and quaint. You're more advanced in your ideas than most people. View them as proof you've moved on emotionally.

I concur

You're allergic to boredom, so someone who's calm and placid may not do it for you when it comes to romance. No matter how sweet they are, don't string them along if they're not right for you.

At least I know now one thing I'm for sure allergic to; boredom. I'm leaving the apt before I breakout in a rash

Empress Soars with the Wind says:

2006-01-29T22:34:00.000-05:00

-Snow whips off the street skimming it, looking like smoke rising. Wind bites through my clothes.
-You can't figure me out. I can't figure me out. It's life, you don't figure it out.
-Love may not keep us together, but ain't it grand.
-I've got an ego and confidance that says I can do anything. But at the same time I'm afraid I'll never get anywhere.
-Ah cha cha cha cha!
-I'm afraid one of these days someone will tell me they know I'm a BIG faker.
-I love watching snow fall. I love warm rain and am an idiot who will enjoy standing in it.
-I've come to terms with alot of pain in my life. I've rolled with the punches. I've made some things seem less horrible and I've made others sound worse.

Never a modern day Madame Bovary- Always a modern day Cynical Romantic

2006-01-28T21:36:00.000-05:00

My horror- horoscope today: Dating, shmating. Sometimes you want nothing more than to stay home curled up with a good book. Why not go with that? Don't force yourself to do anything you don't genuinely want to do.

Tonight is most def. a stay at home with a good book, going to enjoy The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

And about the title, just wanted to have romance in the title again...

I had a pretty day. I now have a cleaner apt. Well clean dishes thanks to my Babby. Had a great breakfast (food and company) with Heather. Then went to Wallmart and purchased 3 PAIRS OF SHOES, for $5 a pair. So proud. Two flats (one brown and baby pink, and one hot pink) and a hot pair of teal suede-ish heels. Also bought some woman's drawers AKA thermal underwear. I'm not ashamed to admit I'm sick of freezing on really cold mornings and nights waiting for buses when the wind cuts through my jeans.

Also picked up some cold cuts and rye bread from Transylvania. Also spent time with my Babby. Which was night. And put away my Christmas tree. Tommorrow so far the game plan is get up early- do homework, do laundry, go to work, sleep, wake up, school.... blah. Well also social life I hope.

Tonight is a stay home night. I had an invite to go out to the horrible smokey dive kareoke place with my friends and declined. If I go out I'd like to go for a nice dinner, or go dancing, or to a kareoke place that doesn't freak me out... or a movie and coffee. Or go to a play. Or a concert. I must be nuts to want to do these things because no one else around here seems to be... oh well.

romance...etc, etc, etc.

2006-01-27T13:51:00.000-05:00

Look this is what I think. I think romance would be nice. And perhaps it is deluded. But it is definitly not feuled by Harlequinn trash (which I don't read- I read Nora Roberts, one author who rights romance/suspense). And I without a doubt I don't want fake fluffy crap. It was something that came to mind when I was chatting with a friend on msn. I felt lonely in my apt. which felt empty with just me. It just came to mind that alot of so called flirting and dating decisions are now happening online- which isn't clear and loses a - - a direct contact. Because whatever some might say or what some might see as romance- it's important for it to happen in person. There is beauty in that. I DO NOT MEAN OVER ROMANTIC HUGE GESTURES. Or anything that occurs in romance novels. What I want are small moments like two people holding each other, helping each other, living with each other. It's those small seemingly unimportant moments with another person. I'm not like everyone else, and my expectations for what romance or love or for christ sake sex is my own. And I reserve my right to have it. I needed to vent this. And hopefully I've clarified my view point. If I haven't well that's too damn bad.

On a journal point: I got a bloodtest today. My mother tells me the fact that I've done this among other things by myself makes me an adult. A grown-up because I don't need my mommy to take me places. I got a hair cut. My hair feels lighter. I might buy myself an Elizabeth Arden lipstick called Blossom. I might. I tried it on. I'm test driving it. I'm in FFAR. I'm not as bored as usual.

is romance dead?

2006-01-26T21:46:00.000-05:00

One must wonder in this day and age if romance has passed it's expiry date. Why write a love letter when you can whip up an e-mail? Why talk in person when you can talk on msn? Everything about day to day life now is about speed. About fast action. Not about slow moments and things that take time. Which makes me think that romance is most definitly dead.

I watch as friends hook up with people, making out on the metro home, or drunkenly at a party. Is that what romance has become? What ever happened to courting. To making your intentions known and taking it slow.

Maybe I have a deluded view of romance... or maybe...

am angry at my own body

2006-01-19T11:09:00.000-05:00

I despise being sick. I loathe when my body stops me from doing what I have to do. I should have been in perf. class yesterday and my script analysis today. I worked so hard to get in- no matter what anyone says about the crutness of the dept- I worked hard to get into theatre. I want to be there. And now because of a fever I can't. I'd like to. BUT my common sense is getting in my way. I hate missing class. It makes me soo frustrated. I don't think other people take very good notes so I really don't know how I can catch up. I'm going to e-mail the prof I have for both script analysis and performance and try to explain my predictament... fuck I can't spell for my life at the moment. Bugger.

Alright now I'm going to try- attempt to finish some assignments and readings. And then take a nap. I've noticed yesterday that while I'm okay now. I get really exhausted at 5pm. So I sense an afternoon nap. I'm going to read Hamlet for script analysis and King Lear for design. If I have the energy I'll work on my reading notes for Theatre History. I still have to finish Players Passions and weed through the Wickam textbook. I also have to start memorizing my monologue for monday. I figure start tonight by typing in up on my computer. It's an easy way to get it in my head. Bugger. Time to take more meds. Hopefully I'll be coherent enough to do all that. Hopefully.

princess lisa?

2006-01-13T13:55:00.000-05:00

So... should I apply to Disney- both the cruiseline and the resort for the summer... Could be interesting. I could totally pull off Snow White or Ariel... I'm short, I'm pretty, and I'm between 5 feet 1 and 5 feet 4. And I can sing. So who knows. I'm looking into it. But I think I'd like to call them and talk to a real human being. Also Vero- if you could maybe get me more info from Ashleigh's sister... that would be awesome. But as of now I don't know much. Just checking it out.

So far from what I've been able to find out the auditions are only in New York- so I'd have to head over there to audition. It might not cost me that much if I use the trip to A) get there close to audition time (aka overnight bus) B) go audition C) maybe stay one night and go to a show while I'm there then D) get out of dodge.

Also I saw that short helps for the princesses. They like them not too much taller then the kids...

I may be a shoe in.

be careful with me, I'm sensitive

2006-01-11T13:15:00.000-05:00

I've had a odd day. I had this performance class. And I don't know why but it's made me feel really weak with my acting...made me think that perhaps I don't have thick enough skin to get through with the career I've chosen.

We started off class with improv. At first I thought YAY improv, fun. But then- the first batch went and after they got down, and it was torn apart and critisized. What worked was stated, but also at the same time what frankly sucked. And when I got up there my I was just sooo very much conventrating on the rules that the prof mentioned and all the negative criticism and I wasn't able to step away from that. It stayed on my mind and therefore, I well sucked. The rules of don't do the actors walk (walking onto the improv with a strut) or don't mime objects. It's like in my mind I got it; make a connection- have a clear relationship- work with levels- if it's dying change it- keep it fresh. But it was like all my mind could concentrate on were this newfound rules and the feeling of total and complete judgment. There was deadening silence. It wasn't completely my fault, but it wasn't my partners choice that was wrong. I think for both of us it was a combination of both of us being confused and not being able to commit to choices. It started off with my partner falling to the ground. My first instinct was to dive in and see if she was alright. Which I did (Which later I was told my the prof that I shouldn't have done that... I should have taken more time to establish a relationship). And then my partner kept asking if I knew were he was and that she wanted him. So I said I don't know who he was (maybe the wrong choice) and that I could help her find him if she could tell me what was wrong...considering she collapsed. And then the tried crawling onto me begging for food. And then begging for him. It felt like what ever I said nothing was going to change her action. I said I had a bag with food. But then I remembered that rule and it fucked me up. I wanted to commit to my action but I kept hearing a big ole NO NO NO in my head, so I struggled. I felt like I was theatre road kill up there. I felt like I was jumping A) without a net B) into jagged rocks or a pool full of sharks. I mean we all laughed at the end and it was light hearted but there was this huge stress. It was harsh , it was realistic , probably it was good for me. But at this very moment it makes me want to cry and pack my bags and get the hell out of theatre. I was watching others before they went and they all looked nervous as hell. Like NO NOT ME NOT NOW, and while we were being torn down I felt like everyone had the same look. Just accept it. Nod. Accept it. As much as we want someone to tell us whether or not we have what it takes to make it... when they do, can we handle it?

I do think I learnt what works and what doesn't but while in that ring of fire, it's putting what I just saw into my own actions that I couldn't seem to do. Do I think that it'll get better? I sure as hell hope so.

I felt in Bryan's class I could do anything. I felt like my I could act. I felt I could anything- even when I failed I didn't feel like I couldn't do it. I want to be weak and cry about it. I do. But I can't. I don't want to even though it kind of feels like it might help and feel cleansing.

And now I have to pick a monologue, 2 and 1/2 minute to 3 minutes at most. I just don't feel confident in my choices right now- I kind of feel broken about it. Also it doesn't have to be in my age range- but it is suggested. It can be from movies- but I think a play would be prefered. Today I look around the class of 13 other people, and I just feel like the weakest link. Theatre performance class used to be my zen and now I just feel ... I don't think I click with all the other cocky actors in the class. I don't know if that's cause it is mainly performance students. There are 2 theatre design majors, 2 theatre development students, and 2 majors. I'm just noting this because that was something that is different from last semester. I think the mix just worked with my personality more. Also I feel like all these clicks and friendships have been formed in the class already and I'm the odd gal out.

Oh I noted the bit on performance students vs. majors students. I find performance students are cocky, and majors are more subtle. Theatre Dev students are more experimental. And design students care but don't, because this is not what they want to be, this is something they'll get through, but not something they live for.

I knew my choice of being an actress was scary- and I've grown over the years. But at the same time I feel exactly the same- and that scares the hell out of me.

2006-01-09T21:48:00.000-05:00

i'm exhausted. would post if brain was functional. am going to pass out.

2006-01-09T16:55:00.000-05:00

test

butterflies in my belly

2006-01-08T23:03:00.000-05:00

Hey there. I'm not feeling 100%. And now I'm a little nervous for tommorrow. First day of theatre performance class for the semester. I wonder what my prof will be like for this class. I'm just hoping it's my happy. Because that's what perf. usually is. I'm going to try to sleep tonight and not be nervous or any crap like that.

Dazed and Slightly Confused

2006-01-08T01:49:00.000-05:00

Well since I've been so tired today, I was thinking I should wait until I passed out again to go to bed. Looks like the caffiene I took to wake me up at work kicked in. So long day. I started the morning by being scared out of my wits by the buzzer. I was told Jeff and Janet would call before picking me up to go to Loyola, so I could copy Threepenny Opera, because I couldn't track it down elsewhere. They didn't call. And they came early. Through my whole day off. But regardless, copied Threepenny, and put another dent into the monster that is the Player's Passion by Roach. Got 5 pages of notes down. And ate and Three Amigos. Not bad.

But then when I got home around 2pm, I passed out on my couch watching Video on Trial on much. And I woke up at 5:17. Did I mention I work at 5... so I got dressed, threw my phone and keys in my purse and mad dashed. Then had a nice evening in with Heather, we made pilsbury strawberry turnovers and had tea. The best part was dissecting and examining the jelly bellys before we ate them. We also watched the special features on the Cinderella DVD. Some were good- others very very bad. Like for example the many duds they went through before finding the Cinderelly Cinderelly- working to make the dress song.

Well looks like this has taken the last of tonights energy. G'night and a pleasant tommorrow.

Dart-Throwing Monkey's Are More Consistent

2006-01-05T17:10:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling random. Here's a simple survey:

My name... Lisa
childhood ambition... to be a journalist like Julia Roberts in I Love Trouble and a ballerina and a singer (of course all at the same time)
fondest memory... something involving my mother, or watching it rain. I'm not sure. I'm fond of many things.
soundtrack... varied music and street sounds and sounds of nature.
retreat... a book
wildest dream... something involving a feather boa and a pair of heels
proudest moment... auditioning the second time for concordia and not giving up- but working harder
biggest challenge...not procrastinating
alarm clock.... is bracing
perfect day... is filled with moments that I always want to remember
first job... my current job
indulgence... pampering my nails
last purchase... a note book and a magasine
favourite movie... Breakfast at Tiffany's
inspirtation... laughter

I went to class. My prof. was not there. His TA was. She gave us a brief course outline. As a final project (like the horrid production class) we will be putting on a scene of a play. I recently found out that pretty much the whole dept. was a buzz with the fact that they kept us late. It will not be happening again. And I swear on everything I consider sacred that I will be the first one to yell NO if it is proposed class ends later to finish presenting scenes. He owes us a class anyway because he didn't show for this one.

If anyone has a copy of Arthur Miller's A View from the Bridge please tell me.

There is no course pack, but we have to have read, and essentially buy, 6 books because the course is called Script Analysis, not Script Briefly Read.

So I'm home and ignoring my readings. I should get back to those.

The title of this entry has been ripped from the latest issue of EW. As in:
Dart-Throwing Monkey's Are More Consistent: The OC

2006-01-04T21:54:00.000-05:00

Well Theatre History ended early. I have a ton of readings to do. So I'm going to get started on them now. Thought I'd check in with this crappy entry. I know it sucks.

I went to see Casanova with Cara and Mat.
It was funny.

Met up with Miki, Vickie, and Richard at Belle Pros.

Chatted with Scott.

Now it's reading time.

First up is a Player's Passion, followed by Wickam text book. Woo.

this is ground control to major tom

2006-01-03T16:48:00.000-05:00

I like lists:

Things I did today:

* Bought floss
* Went grocery shopping
* Ran into Becca while doing the above.
* Went to breakfast at noon
* Ran into Vickie and David. Found out David was the infamous David she talked about. It all makes sense now.
* Realize I know too many people in Laval.
* Did two loads of laundry.
* Cleaned out fridge.
* Rented movie; Broken Flowers

Hopefully I'll get more stuff done. Like handwashing some clothes, de-cluttering living room, and bringing down trash. I think I'll make some soup for dinner. I forgot to pick up bread... maybe I'll go after I bring up laundry that's in the dryer.

* Update on my tooth, as inquiring minds must want to know: no call back yet from dentist yet. But it stopped hurting. Or I just haven't been concentrating on it. I don't need an emergency #. But just incase, Heather, could you e-mail it to me?

Also expect a post tommorrow. I do have theatre history 2 ... gah...

2006-01-02T22:18:00.000-05:00

My back tooth is kinda busted. So I'm in a foul mood. I might be a bitch for awhile. Mostly it's the pain.

So I thought I'd warn you all.

answer to a problem

2006-01-02T00:47:00.000-05:00

I think I've figured something out. The reason I don't date.

I'm just a friend.

That's who I am. Every guy I've ever liked or thought liked me...I find out they see me as just a friend. Okay well not every guy. But alot out of the majority here.

And the ones I did date... horrible judgement.

I just suck at it. I do. That must be it. There must be an I'm date-able vibe, and I just can't pull it off. I have the just friend vibe. I'll never be that girl who a guy wants to date.

Readers, friends of either sex, please don't take this smallish rant too seriously. I don't think I can take one more person telling me it'll happen when it'll happen or any bullshit like that.

Okay. Just let me rant.

2006-01-01T23:52:00.000-05:00

I've been just looking at some sites regarding the Chinese zodiac signs.

1984

The Year of the Rat:Clever and quick-witted, the Rat of the Chinese Zodiac is utterly disarming to boot. Possessed of excellent taste, this Sign flaunts its style at every turn. Its natural charm and sharp, funny demeanor make it an appealing friend for almost anyone. The Rat likes to know who is on its side and will treat its most loyal friends with an extra measure of protection and generosity.

Behind that sweet smile, though, Rats are keen and unapologetic promoters of their own agendas. This Sign is motivated by its own interests, which often include money; greed can become a problem if the Rat isn't careful to keep its priorities straight. This Sign's natural powers of charm and persuasion can definitely come in handy! Although they are often hoarders, Rats can be very generous to those in their "pack," namely friends and family members who have proven their loyalty. Others might perceive them as quick-tempered and sharp-tongued, but never boorish. Verbal jousting is a great pleasure for the Rat, a Sign that everyone around will quickly learn either to love or to hate.

Rats enjoy being on the outside looking in, as the outside affords a view into the inner workings of a system or situation. The Rat's keen mind always seeks out new knowledge, to be stored away for future use. This ever-curious Sign also welcomes challenges as a way to stay sharp. If boredom sets in the Rat is no fun at all, but that isn't likely; this Sign knows how to keep itself entertained.

A valuable lesson for Rats is to learn to consider others above themselves, at least sometimes. If they can develop their sense of self and realize it leaves room for others in their life as well, Rats could find true happiness.They are most compatible with people born in the years of the Dragon (1976, 1988) , Monkey (1980) , and Ox (1973, 1985).

at work

2006-01-01T16:14:00.000-05:00

So I'm at work. And am sick of people calling to find out if we are open, what time we close, how much the buffet is, what time the buffet starting/ending, what time we close...BLAH BLAH BLAH.

OMG get a new line.

I assure you we are open! China Delight is open!

On the bright side. Getting paid to answer the phone saying, YES WE ARE OPEN! I think I took a total of 5 or so orders so far. At least I go home at 7pm.

I hope all your new years eve's were beautiful Happy Year of the Dog! I'll post more once I'm less pissed at the questions of the day. Most of the calls are concerning if we are open.

AHHHH!!!

i'm sensitive and i'd like to stay that way

2005-12-31T00:17:00.000-05:00

So mom goes back north- which means I'm in a funk. Usually after she leaves, especially when she's down with Mike, and first night without her- well it sucks.

So now I'm super sensitive. Gah. I took something Heather said about sex and my reaction to the concept and all that way to seriously. I feel like I snapped at her. I took so much offense to a simple debate on opinions. But here I am all sensitive. I've got issues, i've got volumes. I feel like crap. I usually don't sleep the night after my mom leaves.

Alright think happy. Happy. Maybe if I keep thinking it, it'll set in.

Should be giddy. I was giddy. Saw flick with Heather, went to chapters, saw my Nanny and Pappy, ate good meal- not in that order. I was thrilled. But now I'm just numb. Bugger.

Happy.

Got to think on the bright side of life. I have good food in my fridge. I have nice gifts esp. from my Mom. I have my family, even if they aren't here right now. I have great friends, who care about me. And I think i have the capacity to love. Oh and I have a roof over my head and a fine education waiting for me on weds.

Life goes on. But I have to say, it felt like old times this back week or so. It was nice.

2005-12-29T22:19:00.000-05:00

am listening to Rent Soundtrack, thanks to Heather. One Song Glory is booming. I'm enjoying the sexy voiced song.

am having issue: what to do on new years eve...?

Option A: Movie Fest it at my apt.

Option B: Go out after work. Which finishes at 8pm.. not sure where or who on the going out. But I wouldn't mind going dancing. But you know 'dancing by myself' only works on some nights. or mornings in front of my mirror like a doofus.

Option C: Watch the ball drop with who ever is doing it this year... Dick Clark.. or Reggis.

Reading is Sexy

2005-12-28T22:42:00.000-05:00

Alright, first off I'm sure I've used reading is sexy as a title to my journal before... but regardless I go on.

I'm sitting here in bed. Since Mom is snoring on the couch I've relocated to my bedroom as headquarters. I'm listening to the 'Best of Bowie'... ground control to major tom. I love the music. I've decorated my mostly bland room. I've moved a small desk for makeup and such to my room instead of the harsh light of my bathroom, and I also added some beads over my door. I think it looks perty. I shopped til I dropped since Christmas. With my mom here, she bought me a nice dressy-not-columbia coat, and a possibly horrible british-chic-lit paper back. Shura picked me up some red comfy flannel PJ bottoms, and the Bowie. I'm giddy but tired. But tired in a good way, not in a AHHH-School way. But mind you I love school, but, I think school and I need a little break from each other. Need time apart to miss each other, like any good relationship.

So were was I...Bowie. Well I'm listening to Bowie doing 'Dancing in the Street' with Mick Jagger. I have to say, doesn't suck.

I didn't dig much into my reading list. Which is bothersome- but I kind of got a great Christmas so I'm not that bothered. Not to sound cheesy- but it really meant alot to spend Christmas with Veronica like old times, and having Mom and Mike here over the holiday on since Boxing Day...well... it meant alot. It made my holiday comfy and cozy like a warm cup of tea. It filled my heart and-

okay. that was hallmark cheesy. So I'll end that ramble. I feel I have so much to share, but I can't seem to be able to say it in the right order. Had lunch today downtown with my Mom, Shura, and Cara. It was nice. Family and all. Shura is pretty much my Aunt- even though she isn't.

I cleaned my room for Vero, so it's pretty clutter free. Which is nice, but kinda driving me nuts. I need a little clutter. I left a leg warmer behind my bed on purpose. Just something out of place. Also the sock drawer is still not organized... I think I can take some comfort in that little bit of chaos. I like a little chaos. I think sometimes too much order is creepy. Like things are too perfect somethings got to be wrong. A feeling I can't shake. It's a comfort, security thing to have clutter.

Vero gives the clean room a week. Does anyone else want to get in on the bets?

I woke up at 4:58am. I kind of wanted to scream. But both Vero and I, both crabby shuffled out of bed and went downstairs to wait for her mom. At first I thought, oh crap we're leaving on a pissy note, but we ended up hugging goodbye and made a crack about how her mom was much too loud for 5amish, and she should wear her earmuffs. I think that helped. I felt like the wakeup-getout-nazi getting us out of the apt, but that's just the only way I can function when I'm exhausted to something has to be done, just very mechanical.

I felt really classy today. I was wearing my black boots, new wintery skirt, nice warm layers on top, pretty coat, new black scarf from upnorth from mom, cute purse (which i may name susie q)... all and all I felt like a lady. All that time when I was a teen most of the time I was one of the guys. I mean I was girly and all that implies except perhaps girly as in dumb and vapid. Never mind that girly bit. What I think I mean is I used to be so awkward. I just felt really put together. Something I don't always feel.

Had coffee with Vero and Heather last night at second cup. Well I had hot chocolate, tis the season. It was a rant fest. I stayed pretty silent considering I was still tired from the night before. I had fallen out of bed at 5am yesterday (5am not my time). I was sharing with Vero, and I always end up on the floor or on the edge of the bed. Ever since we were kids, that's just the way it works out I guess. I'm not a very domninent sleeper. I tend to like the side when I'm alone too...right side that is. Also saw the movie Rumour Has it. It was not as good as I hoped, but it wasn't horrible, Shirley Maclaine made it worth my money.

So enough of this back and forth ramble reflectiion. I'm going to go read some of that cheap, possibly horrid book. Night is for trash reading, daytime for the good stuff.

2005-12-26T23:15:00.000-05:00

So HI!

Vero is at my apt right now, because she can't breathe with all the animals (cats and dog) at her house. So we're here. As is my MOM and MIKE!

YAYAYAYAYAYA.

Alright granted, that was a bit much. But I'm happy. My mom broke and came down today, boxing day.

I also started the day going to breakfast with Vero, her mom, and her mom's friend, which was tasty. Then Vero and I, went shopping at the outlits, which weren't as bad as I thought, for boxing day that is. I bought a tiny purse (a trial period will be given over the holiday to see if I can deal, and not lose it), a skirt (I think it rocks, soft and brownish grey), a white hoodie sweater, and a green long sleeve cotton top. I think all good purchases.

I'll go on more about actual Christmas once Vero goes to OHO.

But for now, going to spend time with my mom, mike, and vero.

;)

la la la la

2005-12-23T01:33:00.000-05:00

Alright, am turning back on Vero. She is wrapping my gifts. And I'm present but you know, not looking. Hee Hee Giftage.

Okay I'm taking a moment to be a grown up. Am not 5. Breathe. Still gifts are nice. Alright I'm not big on the talk talk at the moment. I think sleepyness is setting in. I clean cleaned today...meaning windex, brooms, mops, and fantastik! Lovely. I did all the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, kitchen and super cleaned the couch.

I really should have thrown in some laundry at the same time. Really should have. Am considering going to Wallcrazymart to pick up some cheap clean clothes. Alright maybe not the smoothest.

Gift wrapping is done :) Can turn around

vero is here

2005-12-22T23:59:00.000-05:00

Well, yay. Let's see. Can't type too much, but I'd like to wish everyone a Happy Christmas!

So far, tree is up and pretty, nice shiny lights. Also gift wrapping, Veronica's domain...so very much not mine. But we all have our strenghs, right? Apt, is pretty clean, 'cept for my room... need to do at least a load of laundry.... bugger.

I love looking at old ornaments. And realize I should probably add somemore.

I celebrate Christmas until the 7th of January, so I'll be festive for awhile. Orthodox Christmas, as my mom calls it, the real Christmas. I don't mind. I can keep the tree up longer.

So no more ignoring Vero. Because that is wrong.

grades and salutations

2005-12-20T17:39:00.000-05:00

I got two out of the 4 grades I need to get back for last semester. I got an A in Design for Theatre and an A in Production 211. YAY.

I can only hope that my grade for History isn't too bad. I don't know how I did on my paper, so I'm a little nervous. At the orientation for Theatre we were told that don't be too upset when you don't do well you're first year in theatre. Not doing well is so not my thing. I am a perfectionist sometimes... at least when it comes with school. I'm not that worried about Theatre Performance for my grade... that's not the class I'd be worried about a C. I'd be happy with anything from the B's or the A's. I think that brings my GPA to 4.0.

I know so far not doing so well in FFAR. But that's mostly because I didn't care. But I think if I focus more on it. And try harder, and work with the TA with my paper topic, and ace my presentation, I should be fine.

I'm worried about my Theatre History grade because my teacher is vague and all over the place. It's hard to know what he wants in any assignment or even to have a clue what he's going to grade you. All I can think is what ever my grade at least I know can have an idea about to approach his Thea History 2 class next semester. Which is why I've started readings for next semester for history... so I can do my group presentation as early as possible, therefore do my paper as quick as possible. And be done with the class, save the quizes. I've got my game plan in place.

--- by the way slightly off topic. But when I was at Miki's party an old friend, D, was really mean to me, she kept calling what I was doing, being in theatre, flighty and silly. I wanted to punch her in the face. Instead I smiled and played nice. I'm not in English anymore...and she may think that makes me a moron, but I like to think I'm getting what I want out of university and that's my own damn business. She's growing bitter and angry and she's only 20. I think that's pretty sad.

Talking about love is like dancing about architecture

2005-12-20T01:42:00.000-05:00

I cried a bit tonight. But I think all in all, it helped. It got it out. I talked to my grandmother about my how I felt about what my grandfather said. We were frank and honest. Apparently she yelled at him, because he tells her everything. But once we got started with everything she said, you could see she loved him. She called him a stubborn old fool. But she loved him with every word. They've never been the couple to show a lot of emotion with each other. But they've grown more in love as they've gotten older I think. They depend and need each other. And even though it's not something out of the movies, it's something substantial. They worry about each other so much. She tells me she's worried that he's going to have a stroke, because he can get riled up too much. He's worried she's going to make herself sick with the stress of the holiday. They're not perfect. They're both very hard people. Not soft at all. But there is love there.

I've been thinking about what loves means to me. I've seen it in my mothers laugh. The first time I ever heard my mother's laugh fill our house was because of Mike. That's love. A couple of years ago, all I wanted was someone who could just hold me and for it all to be present in that one gesture. I think now that it's more of a combination of many little things combined that makes love. As much as we would like it to be a spark with huge fireworks...I'm not sure it's so instantaneous. I think love grows. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong. I think I'll just go with the flow for now. But what do I know about love.

All I know it's not baby talk because that disturbs me on too many levels. This refers to watching Becca and Scott baby talk to each other on my couch tonight. It just feels so false, and cutesy wootsy. Blah.

I think it's got to be something more substantial. Something with foundation. In an ideal world I'd want a love that lasts forever. Where you are forever linked. But I don't know if that's really out there.

But then again love is something that can't really be talked about right. I heard in this movie once, talking about love is like dancing about architecture.

Put On A Happy Face

2005-12-19T19:16:00.000-05:00

So today started with melodrama. Nothing like melodrama and a ringing phone to start the morning. So I’m woken up by my grandmother calling me, frantically asking me where I’ve been, and let’s take note she called on my home phone. She had called my cell phone, which I forgot to turn off silent about 3 times. She thought I had died. Well I assured her I was still alive, but groggy. I was informed that my Grandfather was on his way and would be there soon. So I try my best to look decent, wearing my comfy red bathrobe over my ‘Vanier Kicks Ass’ shirt and blue comfy and worn PJ bottoms. When he arrives, so far, so good. I mean there are hugs, and I give him his gift which he looks happy about, he gives me a small bag filled with a couple of gifts. All is jolly. I show him the flick I’m in, My Friend Steve. All seems pleasant. But then I’m a moron.

I mention the frank and blunt reason why I can’t stay the night at their home. I do the unthinkable to a WASPish old man. I told the truth. Which brought out his true and honest opinion on my relationship with my father (or lack there of)...

As most will know, I don’t speak to the man who is my biological father. He was like a stranger to me all my life, and I lived with him for 15 years. He ignored me, yelled at me, verbally abused me, made my mothers life hell…- I’m not going to get started. And here is my grandfather telling me I should at least write Rick a card.

I love my grandfather, I really do. But I can’t write Rick (my father) a card. If you give him an inch, he’ll take a mile. If I do anything he’ll want and expect everything. So that’s why I can’t. We ended that conversation and moved on to denial. I think we talked about a good place to get European cold cuts (Transylvania in Laval).

For a couple of hours afterwards, I gave some serious thought into doing what my grandfather wanted. For him you know. But I don’t know. Should I really do something that makes me feel horrible to make someone else happy?

“Just put on a happy face,” so I smiled until it was really me smiling. Listening to Ella and Billie Holiday made me feel better.

So I did some Christmas shopping, and bought a little something for both Heather and Veronica. I got them –edited to say: HA-. I’m sure they’ll enjoy it.

I met up with Bryan for coffee at Starbucks. I had a tried and true, Café Latte. He had a small shot of hot chocolate. I tried some. It was the most disgusting, sweet, wonderful confection ever. As all chocolate should be. Also I didn’t have my glasses on while I was waiting and Bryan didn’t recognize me. So this makes me wonder, do I have the Clark Kent /Superman thing going on. As in I could totally pull off two separate identities. I could be Normal-Jane Lisa by day, and Wonder Gal by night. All with a Pow and a Zing and a hm hm hm hm, hello!

Wow I’m on a ramble. I was supposed to spend time with Danny tonight. But alas he is ill. I hope he’s not seriously ill, because that would be bad. He’s always Mr. Energy Talk Talk Talk. And now- not so much.

So now I'm off to make dinner. Nothing like salad in a bag. Just toss in some croutons and dressing, and shake shake shake. And then jab with fork. Oh the class.

this will be an everlasting love

2005-12-18T07:36:00.000-05:00

The BLAH is over! Call em' the Blues or the Mean Reds... they're gone. Nothing like a good friend party night and a nice realization to get you through the day.

Also for those who may wonder what the title means...it doesn't mean a thing. It's the song that's playing at the moment, by Natalie Cole. Or it could mean that the love that can be the everlasting kind is the kind you have for yourself. You know if you can't love yourself- who can?

Let's recap. I'm not sure if pictures were taken of little ole me at the party. I'll put one up if they're were. I mainly took pictures of others...not myself. But I was looking all dolled up again. This time I tried for 1940's movie star. With the romantic waves and curls and a flower in my hair with red lipstick and smokey eyes. I looked better at work with the look then at the party considering A) lighting was not strob at work and B) I didn't walk 30 minutes with wind to get to work.

I had a good time. I danced, bounced, jumped, and got all footloose and fancy free. Miki seemed to have a really good time. I got there around 8:40pm and left 12:30-12:40. I left before people were puking which was nice- maybe they all can hold their drink now. I could have danced all night. Especially because with Mandara and Kristina it's easy to act silly, goof, and dance like a fool. Probably a good thing though that I didn't stay until the end...At work on friday I fell in the kitchen and banged up my knees. Am a klutz. I kind of face planted. But thank goodness for combined kung fu and acting training. Cause I can fall and catch myself. I mean other then my knees. Also I left early because I told Kev that he could crash on my couch and he starts work at 9am. Which is why I'm up at this hour. He had to take the 7:24 bus to get to work.

And ladies, don't get any ideas. Kev and I are just friends. Ladies, you know the story. Which was where the nice realization comes in. It's a wonderful feeling to realize that you really are just friends. No teenage crush residue. YAY.

Shalalalalaladeda Shalalalalalalalalala lalaldida.

I read a couple of chapters of Persuasion by Jane Austin. It's the light before sleep reading as opposed to my reading list which is day reading. She uses the word 'persuaded' very often in this one. I'm getting a little aggravated at Anne. But she's not a horrible heroine. She wonders alot of her life would be different had she got married to Captain Wentworth 7 years ago. How her life would be different? As she meets the wives of his co-naval people, she thinks that these women could have been her friends, she would have traveled to different places as they did. This is the Austin novel most grounded in real events. And her last novel. I know Austin will give it a happy ending as she usually does- but I think there was something in her who was Anne. From what I've read of her life that is. Like Anne looking back at past regrets.

That's something I don't want to do. Regret. Screw regret. I spent too much of my life as a mouse under a table. And ever since then I've been working my way into the light. So HA. I don't think I'll be Anne.

Sooo...

Plans for today... not sure. Laundry if I feel up to it. Kind of has to be done. Dishes...also a need to happen. Must clean dust away for Vero. I start work at 4pm and finish at 7pm. So it's really not a rough day. Unless we're packed and the filly's are restless. I might try to sleep a couple more hours. Not sure. Seeing the bright side of having nothing to do. Which is better and feeling crap about it.

"Don't you worry there's still time" - Tegan and Sara (You Wouldn't Like Me)

2005-12-16T13:06:00.000-05:00

Okay I'd like to let most everyone who reads this know this: I'm not going to be commenting on my friends blogs for a couple of days. I'm not going to be posting like I usually do. I'm just feeling like crap. I'll be better in a couple of days. I swear. Call if you want to check up. I don't mind conversation. I even enjoy it. It's just a couple of days of blah.

So call me at home or on my cell.

But don't expect posting.

2005-12-15T22:25:00.000-05:00

written in the stars somethings are written on the wall- somethings are printed in books- something are written in the air... but the best things are written in the stars. there is something more personal about stars. they aren't disposible.

just something that was in my head

bizarro world

2005-12-15T22:06:00.000-05:00

I've been a little out of it today. Most likely due to lack of sleep. I did see Babby again- which was nice and good and fun and relaxing... and that is too many ands....

I have a meeting with Matt and other folk regarding Concordia Theatre's representation in well Concordia.

Most of my conversations just feel like rambles. I feel like a rolling stone... not a rockstar..but a rock. Just all over the place and no where stable to sit. I think it's just connected to being alone here at home at the time I'm craving people. I just have to be patient though. Vero coming down. I will see Heather. Party on Saturday Night with Friends. I will see my Nanny. I will see my mother at least by next year. I'll see Danny. I might even see a bunch of other un named folks.

So... I think I'm going to pass out soon.

2005-12-15T09:56:00.000-05:00

So I baked yesterday.

Take your jaw off the floor Heather. And I did not burn down the kitchen Vero.

It was from a box. Betty Crocker. Just add water, mix, bake, let cool, eat. Snakin' Cake. Which is now gone because Cara came over for a girls night. There was alot of talk about love and relationships. For some reason we ended up dissecting my last relationship. It was strange. I liked that the Boris thing was dead and buried, I didn't much like going back for a post-mortem. I didn't learn much, other then it wasn't my fault he cheated on me. But it is his because of his actions I don't trust my judgement so much with who I like. Well damn. It's hard to trust you're emotions sometimes.

I bought a wig. Impulse buy. Yes. But I really wanted it in the moment and just don't regret it. I think it's festive and pretty. Plus I got a head for it. A styrofoam one.

I didn't sleep much. About 3 hours. Not good. Bad even. I might relax a bit- then clean the apt. I started but then distraction set in and ...

Well it's still not clean.

I loved the producers. It wasn't the all and end all of great musicals- but it was worth it. I saw DTFers at the Premiere, shoud have known. It was awkward and weird. Very odd. They kind of just ignored me after the initial "Hi, Bye" thing.

I'll write more when coherent.

2005-12-14T13:57:00.000-05:00

I need a dream diagnosis stat.

All I remember is me is a black dress, all dolled up, my hair in this stylish up-do. The black dress is one I tried on a couple of months ago, but didn't buy because I'd have no where to wear it. It was one of those dresses that looks like it won't work on the hanger, but fits in all the right places when on. I don't regret not buying it though, because where would I wear it? I'm in a bar. Which is a HA that just doesn't happen. Sitting on a bar stool. Not drinking liquor. I think I had a glass of water. It was a long curvy bar. It wasn't like the Legion, it was clean, people all sitting somewhere. Class. It was blue, a midnight blue. And the dream was just me sitting there. And I wasn't really me. It was like my view was of me. Like a movie. And I was just sitting there. Maybe I was waiting. I'm not 100% there. It just was so stagnant. If I remember my dreams they usually have something happening. That's why it was so bizarre. It was so ... so ... out of - er - it was bizarre. It left me with this empty dazed feeling when I woke up. Maybe there was more. But that's all I remember.

I didn't say a word

2005-12-14T11:48:00.000-05:00

I was on the bus yesterday. It's a 30 or so minute bus to the Mall. I'm sitting in the back and I'm surrounded by high school drug dealers who think they are so "cool". They're talking one moment about being arrested already three times this week, then another about chapstick. There were three that talked and two that just stayed silent. I honestly didn't have a problem while they were there. I really didn't. Maybe I'm just too used to the Laval norm. Then a guy also sitting near the back gets up to leave. He's better dressed then the thugs. He's wearing a turtleneck and jeans that fit, a contrast to the bling-bling-gansta-label-baggy clothes they wore. All of a sudden they're talking about how "that guy's a fag". How they see him on the bus alot, and he looks at them. How they could totally kick his ass. Debating how much of a fag this random guy on the bus is. Whether he looked at each of them alot.

I found this disgusting. I wanted to yell at them. I wanted to tell them a piece of my mind. I was sitting on alot of words. But I didn't say a single word. Probably the smart thing because their were five of these idiots and one of me. I don't really think they'd follow me to beat me up, probably just bad mouth me. But- I didn't say a word.

2005-12-13T21:10:00.000-05:00

I've been looking at this picture for some while now. Just looking at it. Wondering who rides a water taxi, wondering how I managed to get that shot trying not to hang out completely out of the window of the Staten Island Ferry.

I'm having a very bizarro day. It's been alot of self reflective, always in my head...blah, blah, blah. Can't place why. But m'eh. I cleaned up the apt a bit...not much. But the smell coming from the kitchen is taken care of. Note to self: don't leave food in pots.

Also I've cemented my plans for Christmas. Looking forward to the gift exchange with Heather and Veronica. On the 23rd we are having our very own Christmas. There will be cooking (which I'm not allowed to do), gifts, and hopefully lots of laughs. Maybe I pick up some Chinese food to bring to the mix. Turkey and Soo Guy. Might be a good combo- might not. I'll have to think about that. Or maybe pick up some pastry or fresh bread from bakery. Mmm bread. Rye bread even.

2005-12-12T20:25:00.000-05:00

Last night I stayed up too late reading. I do love a good story, it's like comfort food.

This morning I met Bryan for coffee which was nice. Good conversation and caffiene, very good combo.

What followed was me trying to find fitting and affordable gifts for the people I care about. It didn't go horribly- but it took me all day. And I'm still missing gifts for the following: Mike, Pappy, and Walter. So all grown men. I was thinking of getting Pappy shaving gel from Body Shop again. He seemed to really like that. And Walter, my favourite sort of uncle, maybe a new baking pan?

I'm not sure. I used to be really good at finding gifts- but then again this is the first time since I was buying gifts from the dollar store, that I've had a leash on my budget. Usually I let myself go into a bit of debt over the holidays. But I'm trying to curb that impulse. I'm even trying to to get more into the holiday spirit. Thinking of going decoration crazy, and pulling out all the stops. Tinsle and Lights. Digging out the Christmas Tunes. And my favourite album, the comedy christmas album.

Oh and I also went to NTS and picked up 8 books. Which helps my reading list. I didn't find everything I wanted. But I did get Neil Simon's Barefoot in the Park. I've passed it before but just never grabbed it. Well today was the day.

This may seem random but I feel very happy being able to do things not related to school, but still be busy and feel productive.

you're just super super girl

2005-12-11T13:04:00.000-05:00

I'm listening to the XTC song, That's Really Super Super Girl. I always have a had a thing for XTC.

I'm thinking about all the books I want to read over the holiday. At the moment I'm just trying to finish off the last of the assignments for the semester (prod. reviews). I'm writing about Importance of Being Earnest and Motel Chronicles. Fun. But only a page each. Right now I'm thinking about cleaning up my apt. again. Too bad I'm not stressed or hormonal, I always have the urge to clean around those times. I'm pretty relaxed. Lets think... during the semester I don't always have time to finish or start all the books I want to read.

Lisa's Reading List:
- The Player's Passion by Joseph R. Roach
- A History of Theatre by Wickam (THEA 404 text book, would like to finish)
- Art of War by Sun-tzu (re-read)
- Empty Space by Peter Brook (re-start now that I have my own copy, I like to take notes in the margin and underline)
- Harry Potter 1-6 by J.K Rowlings (re-read, holiday tradition)
- My Life in Art by Constantin Stanislavky
- An Actor Prepares by Constantin Stanislavky (re-read, it's been awhile)
- Metamorphoses and other stories by Franz Kafka
- Henry the 4th Part 2 by William Shakespeare
- The Miser by Molière
- Antigone by Sophocles (re-read)
- The right to speak (on voice for the stage) by Patsy Rodenberg
- Performance art / from futurism to the present by Roselee Goldberg
- Uncle Vania by Tchekov
- Ubu by Alfred Jarry (re-read)
- Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett (re-read)
- True and False by David Mamet (I tossed it asside half way through a couple of years ago on the grounds Mamet can be an ass. But I think it deserves a re-start)
-The Unfair Sex by Nina Farewell (want to finish)
- Something TBA (possibly Blue Smoke) by Nora Roberts (everyone needs some fluffy romance)
...

I hope I finish all of those before the list starts to grow. I spoke to Alarey, my Nanny, Bryan, Heather and my Mom today. Which reminds me I'm suppose to send her a picture of the new clothes I picked up for the holidays... Which also reminds me I want to give Vero and Babby a call. I wish my Babby had more people to visit her. I hate that my other cousins just don't bother. Just because their late mother didn't get along with all the time is no reason to ignore your grandmother.

2005-12-11T01:23:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here on my couch watching Grosse Point. A movie about John Cussack as a hitman at his reunion. It's got great 80's tracks. 99 Red Balloons. I'm also chatting with both Jenny and Bryan on MSN. My eye lids are droopy. I should be in bed. But hey it's the holidays. Right?

I'm actually thinking of putting up my tree tommorrow. All this Christmas talk has me thinking about maybe trying to get myself in the spirit by surrounding my self with Christmas... like that saying, just smile until you're happy...or something along those lines.

So today, or yesterday even, I went to breakfast with Jeff and Janet. Then worked our way to Carrefour to go shopping for Christmas. Janet and I tried on over priced tops at Banana Republic. Everything cashmere or silk. Very detail orientated, and delicate. Stuff I might like to wear but stuff that isn't practicle. Which is important to me. Only found things for other close to home when we stopped at Pharmaprix. I picked up shampoo my mom specifically asked for (smells like mint). Some nice bath pink gels for Shura. And something for someone who may read this blog. So mums the word.

I then went to work and my co-workers told me they didn't like the shrug/bolero/top half of a blazer. It made me all self-conscious about it. I think it's because I was hungry. Usually I'll become a bitch right back, to protect myself and my choices. But I felt really crappy about it. But enough abou that.

Onto the shiny. Got all dolled up and went to DTF Christmas Party. Which was nice catching up. I liked hanging out with Jenny, and of course all the other DTFers. I did a little improv, which is good for the circulation. And the food didn't suck, I really liked the cupcakes.

Oh and my pal Louis put the video I was in online. It's a huge file though... am going to pass out now... because that's all folks.

---sorry for the multitude of spelling errors

motel chronicles

2005-12-09T00:30:00.000-05:00

i have a couple of words, that may or may not form sentences to share about this play at Concordia:
-visually beautiful
-feels like your in a heavy literary novel due to narration that occurs
-NARRATION in a PLAY through the whole DAMN THING.... not good
-it was like acting without the acting
-melancholy
-alot of sex to death symbolism
-interesting use of a swing.